Lost Inside
by mythic-lionheart
Summary: Different outcomes... People make decisions, things happen, things change…but just how much? This is an AU story of a possible out come during Season 3. What if Spike and Drusilla came back to Sunnydale? What would have happened? B/F pairing
1. Chapter 1: Falling Into the Dark

**Title:** Lost Inside  
**Rating:** R to be safe.  
I can't really tell where this is going to go right now. But there will be some dark spots and some f/f. We will see…**  
Summary:** There are always different outcomes to things. People make decisions, things happen, things change…but just how much? This is an AU story of a possible out come during Season 3. What if Spike and Drusilla came back to Sunnydale? What would have happened? And what about Faith? Does anything change?**  
Main Pairing:** Buffy/Faith (eventually, later on), with some of the other normal pairings of the season**  
Spoilers:** um, mostly Season 3 for the most part.**  
Setting:** This takes place a little after the whole Finch ordeal. Faith never slept with Xander and hasn't turned to the Mayor.**  
Dedication:** This is for _PhoenixJay27__, ProphecyGirl__, rma, __fai925__, Electra126__, Cris, Whispers, _and_ ful-of-faith_ (I am still a fan of your work ;) lol) and anyone else I might have missed that has stuck with me on all my fics and have feed backed me on everything. You guys are the main reason why I write and I thank you all for being so wonderful!**  
Author Notes:** Wow, it has been a while huh? Well I am still working on my other long fic. But I am on hold right now. I had some bad computer problems and my computer crashed, ugh. I have been playing with this idea for a while and decided to go ahead and give it a shot. I need to bone up more on Season 6 of Buffy first before I start to really nail out my other fic (and I think I am going to wait till I can get it on DVD, then I can start writing again). So I am sorry about the gap in writing again. Also, I have finals right now and I will be taking my computer in to be worked on here, so don't expect any sudden updates, lol! Sorry! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, tell me what you think…  
_Sorry that the formatting on this is totally weird...sometimes, their way of doing text is just plain weird...if the format really bothers you, let me know, so I can try to make adjustments next time..._

**Lost Inside**

_Chapter 1: Falling Into the Dark_

Everything inside of her burned. The pain coursed through her body, and no matter how hard she tried to block it out, it consumed her. It became so great, that she had no choice but to welcome it, drown in it, accept it. And with that, everything, every memory, every let down, every damn dark thing in her life ran through her mind. It was as though a door was opened to a dam that couldn't be stopped.

Maybe she deserved this. Maybe this was how it was always going to be. Nothing ever came out right…everything…always wrong, bad, painful, lonely… Everything she ever blocked out of her mind, played before her closed eyes.

Inside, she knew…

She knew of all the wrong she had done…the things she had said…had did…

Everything…

And she hated feeling this way. Feeling scared, alone, hurting…no matter how hard she tried to get lost in the slaying… no matter how hard she tried to build herself to be who she so badly wanted to be…. She was still a scared girl.

A stupid scared, lost, lonely little girl…and it sickened her…

And yet, she had hoped. She had hoped…wished…wanted…

She thought she would come. She would come and help her. She would come and make the pain stop. She would come for her…

That's what Faith kept telling herself as she bit back the pain, the screams that she wanted so badly to utter. But she was strong, she was stronger then that.

The chains rattled as her body slumped forward, further into the darkness…the pain. The cuffs cut into her wrists as she hung from the wall. But nothing…nothing measured to what she felt inside. Everything blended together…the pain in her body, the pain inside…memories…things she had tried to run from, things that she pushed back in her mind…

Everything mixed together. As hard as she tried to be strong, to focus on the little bit of hope she had left…it was slipping away. All the facade', the bravo, the walls that she had spent years building to protect herself, to forget the things in her past….were gone…all gone…

The only thing she thought she was, that she built herself to be, that gave purpose to her excuse of a life…was crumbling…and she tried to hold on…be strong…be who she thought she always was…strong…

She couldn't help but listen to every thing that he said…that they said. The truth that seemed to come from their lips…

Maybe they were right in all they said…what they said about her…everything …but she still hoped. It was the only thing she had to hold onto…

"She'll c-come…she'll…" Faith whispered, hanging from her chains, barely able to utter the words. Spike glanced at her. Looked at her tortured, bloody, battered body and chuckled.

"What's that love?" he mocked as he tossed the bloody spike that was in his hands off to the side. Drusilla sat near by, her head halfway turned as she blankly studied the battered slayer.

"She thinks the other slayer will come, set her free, reach out to touch her heart…" Drusilla stated as she rose from her place to stand, stretching her arms above her head. "Broken hearted she is…tsk…tsk…all alone…so dark where she is."

Spike smiled wickedly as he watched her, Drusilla's body swaying a little as she closed her eyes. Watching her was hypnotizing to him. Hearing the chains rattle drew his attention back to the dark slayer, who was struggling to stand, and failing miserably at it.

Faith gritted her teeth together as Spike forcibly grabbed her chin, slamming her head back into the wall. The vampire looked into her bruised and battered face, barely able to see her eyes from the swelling. "You just don't know when to quit do you? Got to hand it to her Dru…she seems tolerable of pain…or maybe she just don't want to be vocal for us," he uttered as he slammed her head back again, letting go of her chin as her body slumped forward again. This time, she didn't try to stand.

"The Slayer isn't coming for you. Quite disappointing really. Was hoping to get back at the bitch…it's a shame that it back fired," Spike said as he crouched down to the brunette's eye level, "Its been three days, love. Three days and the Slayer doesn't even know you're gone. I guess you aren't worth her time. What a pity."

The vampire stood and took a few steps back, grinning evilly. "She likes to play, her and her friends. Circle around and around, ashes ashes, quite close they are," Drusilla stated as she stopped swaying, slowly bring her arms back down, "Poor girl never had a chance."

"And I still can't see where that pounce Angel fits in…wait, he's probably too busy making brooding moon eyes at the Slayer to care," Spike laughs as he watches his sire approach the slayer.

"Shame…abandoning the wrong one. Tsk, they shun you, leave you alone in the dark to find your own way," Drusilla stated as she reached her hand out to stroke Faith's battered face. The brunette didn't have the strength in her to turn from the touch, as she hung from the chains, her own blood in puddles, pooling on the cement floor that was already stained with her blood.

"Yet you want nothing more. Never cared for much, except for her…she's important to you, only one who might understand...and she leaves you to fight alone at night," Drusilla whispered, withdrawing her hand away.

"I would be bloody well pissed if I were you," Spike gestured to the slayer, "before, when we arrived and followed them, watched all of their daily routines, she would leave you to rot as she was out with them. Or with that bloody wanker of a vampire."

Faith just hung from the wall, letting the words, the hurt, the truth, sink in. It didn't really matter if it was true or not anymore…

She heard Spike's footsteps as he approached her. "How does that feel Slayer? Her telling you she'll be there, then ditches you? Hm?" Spike asked as he leaned into her personal space, just in front of her face. He then smiled as he stepped away. "It doesn't have to be that way you know. You see, we can offer you so much more… I can make the pain stop, make that loneliness…the weakness in you stop."

The vampire had crouched down again, not too far away, looking at Faith's face. But there was no movement, nothing. It was as though his words had no effect on the brunette, and he stood up abruptly, getting annoyed and bored.

"I've always wanted a pet…and flowers. But they always died…." Drusilla stated as she stepped closer to the slayer. Spike looked over at her curiously. "So much inside, I can hear them…whispered voices…"

Drusilla closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again. "She would make a great vampire… all that darkness…they whisper promises to me…" the vampire stated as she leaned away from the battered slayer to look over at Spike. The blonde vampire grinned in amusement as a choked whispered voice fell upon def ears

"No…"

* * *

_**TBC…**__Sorry for leaving it here!  
I actually researched more into Drusilla and Spike. I never wrote for Drusilla before, and I tried to get her down accurately. I hope I did so. And I don't write for Spike much, and I am not used to his character like it was then, so I hope I did ok with them…__  
If anyone is utterly confused on what Dru is saying/referring to, let me know and I will make a note to explain, lol. As I said, I tried to write it ok in a way that the dialogue made sense for Drusilla's character.__  
I am just doing this fic to tie me over till I know what to do for my other fic, lol, I haven't forgotten about any of you. I thought I should get a fic out there to you all, it's been so long. Things have just been REALLY busy lately.__  
Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this part here, and I hope all is well with everyone. Reviews are always welcome!__  
I don't fully know where I am going to go with this, although I have a good idea, we will see. Any comments, advice, suggestions is cool.__  
Also, does anyone know of a good place to get more info on writing the Buffy/Angel verse? Like I said, I am researching Season 6 and a few other things…yeah, how sad is that? lol. I'll update when I can:)_


	2. Chapter 2: Riding the Hurricane

**Summary:** There are always different outcomes to things. People make decisions, things happen, things change…but just how much? This is an AU story of a possible out come during Season 3. What if Spike and Drusilla came back to Sunnydale? What would have happened? And what about Faith? Does anything change?**  
Main Pairing:** Buffy/Faith (eventually, later on), with some of the other normal pairings of the season.  
**Rating:** R to be safe**  
Setting:** This takes place a little after the whole Finch ordeal. Faith never slept with Xander and hasn't turned to the Mayor…  
And remember, this is an AU of sorts, don't be picky, just be creative and go with the flow of things. I mention that, for things obviously have been changed around in order for this story to work and form into what it is. Episodes have been rearranged and even changed within the season as well. I hope you can pick it all up as you go :)**  
Author Notes:** Thanks for the reviews guys!  
The _italics_ here mostly mean flashback of sorts. I wanted to make it obvious incase if anyone got a little confused, that there is a flashback segment, so I labeled it. And then there are some things that are said in that segment that are in _italics_ to show that... I hope you can pick up on that.  
I changed the format so it is easier to read. Sorry about that and thank you Jay for commenting on that, and I am very glad that you liked this chapter. I actually thought of you as I wrote this, lol, so I am glad you liked it..._  
I actually had a hard time writing this part. I had to do some info delivering, and I think I didn't stay quite true to Faith. But I tried. I know there are a lot of "…" but just bare with me here, lol. I am going to attempt POV again here, and hopefully it will come out ok. Just think of this chapter as someone who is just sitting and pondering/flashing back. I mean, I know my mind drifts and jumps around when I think…um yea, so_ _here we go…_

**Lost Inside**

_Chapter 2: Riding the Hurricane  
_  
**3 DAYS BEFORE…**

FAITH'S POV

I knew a long time ago that things weren't ok. I mean between me and B, and well… between me and all of them really. The whole gang I mean. I knew before the Finch incident. It just got worse after that. I think I really knew during the whole Post thing…ugh…and here I am thinking about it. God. But it isn't like I have anything else to do lately. I usually don't like thinking. Thinking leads to a whole mess of crap that I don't want to deal with, can't deal with right now. But it seems like I can't help it now. It's eating away at me. And I know I have been wrong, that I have made some mistakes, some bad decisions…and there's so much hurt and pain…

Why am I thinking about this? I sigh as I lightly kick the tombstone I am sitting on. I don't know why I bother waiting for her. For B I mean. She won't come. I just know it. She never comes anymore. At least, not like she used to. Things…just haven't been the same. Not that they ever were good anyway…but…well…whatever. It doesn't matter. Yet here I am, still waiting. Funny that.

When I first came in to Sunnydale, I honestly thought that things might look up. The whole gang accepted me, well…at first that is, and it seemed…nice. Something I could be a part of maybe. Ok ok, who am I kidding? But the thought crossed my mind in those first few days. Well, before the whole Kakistos thing. But Buffy? She seemed…put off. Kind of hostile and up tight when I first met her. I mean yeah, I felt kind of bad for just breezing in and into her town and her life, but it was like she was annoyed with me or hated me or something…and I just couldn't really figure out why she was acting the way that she was. But who am I to judge anyway? Buffy lived her life completely different then me.

All I knew about her was what I heard from my Watcher and her friends. I figured, another slayer, someone to relate to…know what it was like to be a slayer, to live that life…I don't know. I guess I thought B would understand. Understand me in ways that no one else could. And I wouldn't be so alone any more…and maybe I could finally find a place where I felt that I belonged…something…I don't know…

But after seeing her, seeing her life and how she lived…the support she had…

It just…well…it made me a little jealous I guess…and confused. I didn't have the mother, or even parents for that matter, that she had. I didn't have the friends or the watcher or the other aspects of her life that she did. Well, I did have a watcher at one point…but that was taken from me… but hell, you could say I almost had the opposite life that she had. I mean, people get bad breaks, it happens, whatever. But you see, there's this…darkness in me that I can't describe. Not like a totally evil darkness, even though the Scoobies might treat me and think of me that way now, but a darkness within the slaying…with being a slayer. And I see it in her at times, when we are slaying… so I know she feels it too.

It scared me at times, at the beginning when I first became a slayer. I mean, I am not complaining, being a slayer I love. I mean, having a purpose in life, knowing I am not helpless or weak, knowing that I can do some good with my life, that I will always be on top, beating the bad guys, winning…but…there is just something in being a slayer and in slaying that makes me…it's hard to explain.

And seeing B, how she fills the role of being a slayer, and the support and love and friends that she had…she had reasons to ignore that part of being a slayer in her. She had bonds and support that kept her grounded. Slayers were always meant to be alone. I mean, that is what I have come to understand. I don't know. I thought that, if I got her to see my side a little bit, even knowing that the way I went about it was a little wrong, that it would help her to understand. Maybe help her see my point of view on things, help open her up or something. And God, did I fuck that up...

See why I don't think so much? It's depressing, pointless, and a bunch of unneeded complications that I don't need in my head. And yet I keep doing it. A stupid cycle that hasn't stopped yet. I guess that I try to figure out the whys and answers to things that were never meant to be answered…

Pfft, like my life, and the 'why me's?' How come Buffy gets to have all the support and friends and the nicer life and I don't? How come it's fair that I am not allowed to take part in things and do things like they do? Why do I always end up like this? Why am I always alone? Why do I have to be so god damn strong all the time? Why doesn't anything seem to come out right? Why do I have to keep picking my self up when I get slammed down? Does it really matter? Why do I care? Why am I bothering with all of this? Is there something wrong with me? Stupid question. Stupid stupid question. Of course there isn't anything wrong with me. I'm a slayer… I'm me, I'm Faith, the strong, always on top, can care for myself, don't need anyone girl. I've always held my own. It's what I do, part of who I am...I just…by the way they treat me sometimes…it makes me feel…wrong, bad….

Does that make sense? I mean, yeah, I already feel disgusted with my life but…I don't know. I mean, I'm stronger then all that, so it doesn't matter. That's all I need anyway. I've got myself, and that's enough, so who needs them? All I need is me and my strength and I'm five by five. I've always done things that way. I've always took care of myself and watched my back. Nothing wrong in that.

After the Post incident, I knew…I just knew that things were going to go bad. I tried. I tried to talk to Buffy, to get her to open up…to talk to me, see me as a friend, even just to talk, communicate, whatever. And she rejected me each time….I remember feeling so awkward and hurt. I mean, how can I, someone with a completely different life with different views and experiences and things start a conversation in such a way that would get her to open up or talk or whatever? I mean, not that she _had_ to or anything…but she treated and reacted to me like I didn't understand, that I couldn't possibly relate or understand her, or whatever…

I bet miss goody two shoes, miss priss, tightly wound saw me as some retarded trash or something, not that it really matters now. And I can't believe I kept trying. There is just something about B that…

No…

I'm _not_ going there. I won't think about…_that_…the way she makes me feel…

I hate to admit it, I don't like thinking about it…but it hurt. It hurt that after all the attempts I made to reach out to her, in my own way, to try to be…her friend or whatever…that she still didn't trust me…didn't care. Then _she_ tells _me_ I can trust _her_, talk to her…

She gave me no reason, or showed me no reason to trust her. I mean, I don't know how to really be friends with people and stuff but I tried. I really did…and I don't know why I kept trying…she never…I mean… things just went so badly…

And Christmas? I have to admit it was basically my best Christmas, even though it was with Joyce and B bailed and all, but…well…sometimes, things that may seem small and/or stupid actually mean a lot to me…as pathetic as that might sound. Buffy never did tell me what was going on like she promised she would. No surprise there. I mean, why bother telling me, it's not like I count or matter or anything…but…just being there, with someone else, being able to at least share the holiday with someone was good enough for me. I'll tell you something, Joyce is a good mom. It was nice to know that at least one person didn't seem to see me as disgusting. But I haven't seen or talked to Joyce in a long time. After…after Finch…I just, can't see her. If she knows what happened…I just…I just couldn't stand seeing her disappointed in me or…whatever...

It doesn't matter.

None of this does. It's all about getting to the next day, right? I mean, a slayer's life span isn't really long lived.

A lot has been on my mind lately. And I can't seem to push it all out anymore. I don't know why I keep sticking around here…

No…I know why…and it's…_she's_ not a good reason to stick around for…

Stupid. It's not like things will ever change. I can't change what happened, what I did…

And oh god, do I wish I could…

It still kills me…eats away at me…I almost can't stand it. I was scared…and god, do I HATE myself for what I did, for who I had become. And that was when the door opened and closed on any kind of relationship that I could have had with B. Any shot I had at bonding with her, being her friend, everything, anything…it just all crumbled. I have this duty, to protect people, be the slayer, on top…and I fucked it up. The only thing that makes me…me…and I killed a man…

And a part of me died then too…

And I totally closed myself off…

I tried relying on my strength that I had always fallen back on. I only had myself... And…B…god…tears threaten to fall from my eyes now even thinking about all of this…

And I can't help but feel disgusted and ashamed with myself…and for wanting the tears to come…

But I just can't keep it in anymore and keep it pushed away like everything else I have done with all my life. It hurts, it fucking hurts. And I hate it. It's like riding with a huge powerful hurricane that you know is out of control, crashes into things, destroys things, what not…but in the end, there has to be an end, and it all comes down back into nothing. It's like I am going on some big damn ride. Except, it's my life and I don't want the end…but yet, I know it's coming.

I couldn't show B how scared I was. What would she think? And it wasn't like I trusted her and could share how I was feeling! I mean, I wanted to, god I wanted it to be her, to be able to have that friendship and trust and…

But I didn't. And all I had was myself. I had too much pride in being strong…and I could never ask for help. No. Forget it. I would never ask for help…I don't need it. I'm strong enough to handle things…but…I…I don't know. Everything has been so mixed up lately, and I don't know what I am feeling half the time. And now look what I did…the way she looks at me at times…I don't think I want to know what she thinks…

I hate it that I let it matter to me what she thinks, what they might think. Things are different when they come to Buffy. But she will never know…I can't…I won't…

When did things become so complicated? How did it all come to this? What's going to happen? Again with questions. Questions that I won't hear the answers to. And again, this is all my damn fault. I keep screwing up, out of control, messed up, all of it. I just don't understand it.

And…I still have them…

The dreams…the nightmares…they never stop. They haunt me with what I did. I can still see those eyes, the empty face…

I know I said that I didn't care, that I came off looking like some higher being, that being a slayer made up for his death…that could be further from the truth…

I asked Angel about them before, not too long ago, I can still remember what he had said…

_( FLASHING BACK ) _

It was a weekday, not too long ago. I was to meet up with B to train at the school. But she was a no show, something that seemed to happen more and more recently…anyway, I was bored out of my mind, which was not uncommon, and had nothing to do. With the whole gang doing…whatever it is that they have been doing and pushing me off or whatever, I honestly was kind of lonely. Not that I would ever admit that or anything…

I had made my way over to the mansion, and shortly after making it inside, looking around for Mr. Tall and Brooding, I got the shit scared out of me by him. You would think that with me, being a Slayer, that wouldn't happen. Well hell, I sensed him, but he was right in front of me when I turned the fucking corner, startling the hell out of me. I mean, who does that? Stands there all freaky like, like Hamlet's father or something? Ok, it wasn't that big of a deal but I was embarrassed. I guess I was a little nervous.

_"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. I just, wasn't expecting anyone,"_ Angel had said after I practically ran into him. I ran a hand through my hair and shifted my feet a little.

_"It's cool. I wasn't expecting to visit. Heard you needed some blood soon. Over heard it from B. Figured I would swing by and drop some off, it was on my way,"_ I explained as I shifted the bag I had, that I had almost dropped seconds before, and held it out to him. Yeah, I felt like a stupid ass, but whatever. I mean, honestly, if you were alone for most of your day, in a town that you don't know anyone in let alone the fact that the people you do know don't like you very much and barely talk to you…what would you do?

Ok ok ok, I just kind of wanted to talk to someone or be in the company of someone I guess…well, at least someone who didn't think I was a freak or murderer or a problem or something. Besides Mrs. S, Angel was the one only other person I can think of that didn't look at me in the way the others did. Not that he gave many looks, and frankly, I wasn't too fond of the guy, but he seemed to understand…does any of this make any sense what so ever? No? Good, because I don't think I understand either…

Apparently, Angel found my gesture a little odd as well, giving me a look, but who could blame him? I mean, why the hell would I come to see him? But he wasn't not pleased to see me or anything like that, I think he was more surprised then anything.

_"Don't get used to it or anything, I still don't like you much,"_ I stated with a well practiced smirk as he took the bag. He smiled back a little, in his brooding vampire way of his, understanding my meaning.

_"I'll keep that in mind, thanks_," Angel stated as he walked a little away and set the bag on the table near by. I fidgeted with my hands a little, not knowing what to do with them. _"I thought you were Buffy at first, weren't the two of you supposed to be training?"_ He asked, starting conversation.

_"B was a no show, hence the blood…"_ I explained, pausing for a second and gesturing to the bag as he turned to face me. The dreams were bugging me, and I had no one to talk to…I felt a little weak and pathetic, but I didn't know who else to ask other then Angel… _"I'll get out of here, got rounds to make for patrol_…" I had said, changing my mind, maybe this was a stupid idea…

_"Ok,"_ Angel replied after a pause, choosing not to push the matter. I guess he knew I came to him for a reason. I had already began to walk away, as thoughts ran through my mind, most of them to tell me to run as far away as I could, others yelling at me to stop.

"_Faith…"_ he started as I neared the doorway.

"_Do you still have them?"_ I suddenly asked.

"_What?"_ he replied. I turned around to face him.

"_The dreams…do you still dream about the things you did when you were Angelus?"_ I asked, looking down at my feet for a moment before looking back up at him. Angel leaned back onto the couch that was behind him, supporting his weight, and sighed a little.

"_Yes. But not like I used to. There are fewer of them now. It isn't easy. The things I have done, the lives I took…"_ he paused for a second, thinking for a moment, _"It's difficult at times. The dreams aren't bad one night but worsen the next night. You see, just because you've decided to change doesn't mean the world's necessarily ready for you to. The hardest part though? Was forgiving myself for some of those deeds…the lives I had taken. The truth is... no matter how much you suffer, no matter how many good deeds you do to try to make up for the past, you may never balance out the cosmic scale. Most the time, you're haunted. By the dreams, the things you've done…maybe even for the rest of your life. There's no real simple answer to redemption. It isn't a destination…it's a journey. But I say things are better now then how they were before."_

I thought for a moment, on what he had just said. _"I guess there are some things that you just can't take back…no matter how sorry you are, huh?" _I asked, looking at him.

_"Well…it's supposed to hurt. I know you're hurting. I've had my share of hurt as well. All that pain, all that suffering that might have been caused, is all coming back to you. It's hard, but you need to feel it, deal with it. Then maybe, you'll have a shot at being free,"_ Angel replied. I just looked at him for a moment before looking away. This, all of it, the moment, the conversation, what I was thinking, was becoming too much. I guess it became obvious why I came to see him.

_( BACK TO THE PRESENT ) _

I left after that, said I needed to patrol, get things done, and I left. I came to see him every now and then. Not that we became buds or anything like that. Like I said…I still didn't like the guy much. But he was someone to talk to…

I sighed again as I kicked the tombstone again. Oh yeah, I was a real badass, my only friend was a vampire, jeez.

I think I had enough of all this thinking. Screw it, B an't coming, face it. And I have patrolling to do. I went ahead and hopped off the tombstone and began to walk back towards the back corner of the graveyard, starting my sweep.

_fft-fft_

I heard it before I felt it. Pain shot from my neck. Raising my hand to my throat, I pulled what looked like two small darts from my neck. I started to feel a little dizzy, my vision becoming a little blurry as I dropped them to the ground. I felt confused as I tried to turn my head in the direction that I heard the noise come from. My legs felt all wobbly…

"Shit."

The ground tilted and I hit the ground, feeling even more dizzy. I heard a chuckle not too far from my left and turned my head as much as I could to see a figure approaching me. My vision was poor, becoming even more blurry. Before I knew it, the figure was crouched down next to me, and a blonde-haired vampire leaned over me. I could sense him, what he was.

"The name's Spike luv, and you're in for a world of fun," he smirked as my vision blacked out…

* * *

**_TBC…_**

****

_I hope you all got the chapter title in all of this. Anyway, sorry for the wait in an update, it took a while till I was able to get my computer back. Now I got it as you can see. I have been working a lot and a lot has been going on, so I am sorry about the slow updates. I think I have an idea where I am going to go with this…might make it into a longer fic or short one, not sure yet. It would get complicated if I turn it into a long fic. So I don't know. We will see. Thanks for the feedback and everything! More to come when I can! Reviews are great things! lol  
_


	3. Chapter 3: Broken

**Summary:** There are always different outcomes to things. People make decisions, things happen, things change…but just how much? This is an AU story of a possible out come during Season 3. What if Spike and Drusilla came back to Sunnydale? What would have happened? And what about Faith? Does anything change?**  
Main Pairing:** Buffy/Faith (eventually, later on), with some of the other normal pairings of the season.  
**Rating:** R to be safe**  
Setting:** This takes place a little after the whole Finch ordeal. Faith never slept with Xander and hasn't turned to the Mayor…  
And remember, this is an AU of sorts, don't be picky, just be creative and go with the flow of things. I mention that, for things obviously have been changed around in order for this story to work and form into what it is. Episodes have been rearranged and even changed within the season as well. I hope you can pick it all up as you go :)**  
Author Notes:** Thanks for the reviews guys! 

_Sorry about the lag again. Been super busy and I work full time now. Been trying to work out where I want to go with this story. I think I have an idea, we will see. I tried to write all the characters the best I could, so I hope you enjoy!_

**Lost Inside**

_Chapter 3: Broken_

.**  
**

"I think our pet is broken. She doesn't move, doesn't speak…it saddens me," Drusilla muttered as she gazed at the unmoving slayer that hung limply from the wall. Spike scoffed, bored, as he rose from his place next to her and walked over to the unmoving slayer.

"I say we go have ourselves some fun, see the slayer, return our friend here…" he suggested as the vampire crouched down next to Faith, studying her a moment.

"Hmmmm, turmoil. You wish to play with them…bad boy," Drusilla smiled as she rose from her seating place, stretching her limbs. Spike smiled wickedly.

"Time to step it up a bit," he grinned as he turned back to the hanging slayer, reaching up and releasing the cuffs and chains from around her wrists. As soon as they were loose, the battered slayer fell limply to the ground. Faith stirred a little as the blonde vampire jerked her up, only to have her fall to the ground again a few feet away, unable to hold her own weight just yet.

"So weak…yet so strong," Drusilla stated, looking at the brunette as she tried to move again, never making a sound as she struggled to stand.

Spike scoffed in annoyance before muttering, "Too weak eh? I can fix that…"

**Library, Nightfall…**

"Well, we don't know anything else more on the Mayor front do we?" Buffy asked as she leaned against the counter, facing the others. They were having a meeting about recent events, getting everyone on the same page. Willow, Oz, Xander, and Cordelia were sitting at the library table as Wesley stood a little off to the side, close to Giles's office, looking through an old book.

"No, I haven't been able to get anywhere on it. He has a lot of barriers up and I can't seem to get into anything, but I'm still working on it," Willow admitted, feeling a little frustrated at not being able to supply anything.

"Hey, anything helps right? Keep at it, I'm sure you'll get some thing," Buffy reassured, trying to sound supportive.

"I quite agree. There has been no further information that I was able to gather about him or anything really as of yet," Giles supplied, coming back into the library through his office, and leaning against the door frame.

"Allen was enough of a tip to start digging but there's nothing to report as of now," Wesley added as he momentarily looked up from his book.

"I love how he basically repeats everything that Giles says," Xander stated with a grin as Wesley gave him a stern look.

"Patrol hasn't been very active the past few nights. Makes me a little uneasy," Buffy stated as she tried to recall the past few nights.

"Yeah, it's usually calm before the storm huh?" Xander asked as he looked over at the blonde.

"That's what I'm afraid of," Cordelia supplied, not looking up, as she filed her nails.

"Oh wait!" Buffy exclaimed as she suddenly remembered something, "A vamp, last night, said something. Something along the lines of '_he's back, and they will kill you_' just as I was dusting him. I honestly can't keep track of all their threats anymore."

"Who the hell would come back to Sunnydale?" Cordelia voiced, still filing her nails.

"Do we know anyone that left that would come back?" Oz asked as everyone looked at him.

"I don't know. Maybe he was lying," Willow supplied.

"But he would have no reason to lie in the first place," Xander stated, "Well, that is unless if he was trying to get his last dusting moments prolonged."

"What about Faith?" Giles asked.

"Huh?" Buffy replied, looking over at him.

"Has Faith mentioned anything? You did patrol together a few nights ago did you not?" the watcher asked, looking at her.

"I actually haven't seen Faith the past few days," the blonde admitted, looking away slightly.

"I called Faith the other day about training but she never answered, that girl…" Wesley added, uttering the last part softly in annoyance as he placed the book he still had down.

"Does she even _show up_ to training?" Willow sarcastically mumbled. Giles sighed as he took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. He wasn't surprised about this, knew it would probably happen, and still felt guilty for it…and bad for allowing it to happen. He knew Faith was different from his slayer. He knew that she was different from all of them. He understood how things could be with the other slayer, yet chose to ignore it. And now, Faith was even further outside of their little circle, that some how got built, then she was before. And he let it happen…again…

"Speaking of Miss 'likes-to-kill-people', where is she? I think that if I have to be here, so does she. I mean, I'm here, and I'm not even a slayer," Cordelia stated, bored.

"And thank God for that," Xander said, earning a smack from the brunette, "What?"

"Did any of you stop to think that maybe the reason why Faith isn't here, is because no one bothered to actually _tell_ her?" The watcher quipped, rather annoyed. Buffy didn't meet his eyes as some of the others looked at him blankly for a moment.

Giles knew that Buffy was the only Slayer in history who had civilians working beside her, who had close ties, support, and friends. He knew without a doubt that Faith didn't have all those resources and wanted to change that. Now more then ever, for knowing that it was those relationships, bonds, and ties to the world that gave the Slayer their reason to fight…

But with recent events, doing so had been rather hard. Not to mention the fact that he himself, hadn't remained true to the brunette slayer, taking part in her isolation from the rest of them…

Buffy on the other hand, did feel a little guilty for ignoring the brunette. Faith was seductive. To Buffy, she was alluring, attractive, in some ways…but in wanting to be who they were built to be as slayers, as killers…

The blonde didn't see slaying that way. Faith was all "_come play with me_" and seemed to approach slaying differently…and as tempting as it might be, as it might seem…it was wrong. It was wrong to Buffy, and wasn't what she saw slaying to be. Faith made her uncomfortable and uneasy. It seemed to worsen after Finch…

Faith was different from her. Her views, her behavior…

Faith was completely different from Kendra. The slayer connection, their relationship with one another…it was all different to the blonde. Faith wasn't someone you could just figure out. The brunette called many things into question for the blonde, and it made her uncomfortable. To her, there was a difference in slaying, in her definition of being a slayer…

And it wasn't just that. There were other things…

Things that confused her, that were confusing…and ignoring the brunette might be a little wrong, but it made it easier for Buffy…even if she didn't realize she was doing it…

She had gone to the Bronze with the gang instead of meeting Faith to patrol that one night. She felt a tad guilty, but justified it in needing a break. Willow was looking forward to it, and Buffy complied, for she hadn't taken the time to sit back and relax for a while…

_( FLASHING BACK )_

"_Come on Buffy, it's been a while since you have just relaxed, hung out, done the typical thing that us normal teenagers do. Xander's going, I'll be there, it'll be fun. Oz's band is playing, Cordelia's…well, Cordelia will be there, but we'll still have fun, besides, I'm sure Faith won't mind taking over patrol for a night," _Willow pleaded with her as they walked down the school hallway. The blonde had been spending a lot of time with Angel lately in the past few days, training with Giles, researching with the gang, among other things.

"_Sorry Will, I guess I have been all Slayer girl lately…you know what? You're right. I'll be there," _Buffy smiled as she looked over at the redhead. Willow smiled.

"_See, now that wasn't so hard was it? You're allowed to have fun," _The redhead teased, pleased, as they walked into their next class together. Buffy smiled back, feeling a quick pang of guilt for ditching Faith. But it quickly passed, something that happened more often now, easier even, as she pushed it from her mind, following her friend to their seats…

_( BACK TO THE PRESENT )_

Buffy was brought out of her thoughts as Giles spoke, "Maybe you should talk with her tonight, see if she has seen or heard anything. Then we can see if this is a potential threat or not. This might be worth being alert on. If activity has been low, there is a possibility that something is about to happen."

Before anyone could open their mouths in reply, the library doors opened. "Why don't I save you the trouble," announced Spike as he sauntered through the doors, causing some of the others to jump. Buffy turned around, took a few steps to the middle of the library, in front of the table, placing her hands on her hips.

"Spike," came the blonde's simple reply.

"Slayer," the vampire greeted, "It seems that some of my lackeys can't keep their mouths shut."

"Maybe if you quit recruiting morons, you won't run into that problem," Buffy retorted, "What are you doing here? More importantly, why are you back?"

The vampire gave a sick grin as he spread his arms, "What? Not happy to see me? Thought I would come back, shake things up a little."

Buffy rolled her eyes as Spiked continued, "It seems, I have something of yours."

The blonde narrowed her eyes at him, "What are you talking about? If I recall, we made a deal."

The vampire snorted, "Yeah, well, us vampires aren't very trust worthy. You should know that by now. But you see, I am starting to think you lot aren't very trust worthy."

"Could you actually quit wasting our time and actually produce a sentence out of that dead mouth that actually makes sense?" Cordelia suddenly asked.

"Better watch your mouth. I have something of yours that I have come to return. I would say that I have something you want…but I'm not too sure now…" Spike replied. Wesley was about to comment but was interrupted as the vampire continued, "I got bored with them after a while, saw that you didn't notice their absence, ruined the payback plan, so I've come to bring them back."

Everyone was silent and Spike smiled smugly. Buffy's face fell.

"Angel…" she whispered, emotions racing through her, thoughts rushing through her head. He would be the first person that Spike would go after. She hadn't seen him since the day before yesterday…

"Honestly, I'm disappointed in you Slayer. Even though I would very much enjoy torturing that neutered pounce, it wasn't Angel that I had fun playing with the past 4 days," Spike stated as he reached back behind him, staring Buffy in the eyes, as he opened the library doors, "Dru? You and our little play toy can come in now."

Things seem to freeze, go completely silent, still, as Drusilla walked through the door, holding a badly beaten and tortured Faith, her remaining clothes barely on her. She was barefoot, and had various gashes, cuts, burn marks, and wounds all over her body. Blood seemed to be painted on her, her black jeans practically ripped and shredded, just barely covering her. Her tank top was hanging on by one strap, the other torn away, and was practically ripped off at the bottom. The clothes hung on her, just covering her modesty. Her body left no imagination to what kinds of things the two vampires did to her. Buffy barely registered the gasps from behind her, her eyes drawn to the other slayers face. The brunette's face, once a pleasure to look at, caused her heart to almost break. Faith's matted and wild hair hung in front of her face a little bit, hiding little of what was recognizable left.

"Faith…" the blonde murmured, the sight of the other slayer alone causing much emotion to rise within her. She looked up at Spike angrily.

"Hey, don't be upset with me love, be angry at yourself for not noticing," the vampire stated, seeing the slayer's expression. He was enjoying the moment now, the looks on their faces…

"Misery, misery, misery…she still hasn't spoken Spike. I think our pet is broken," Drusilla stated, holding her arm against the neck of the brunette, holding her to her body, the brunette's eye's remaining downcast, never once rising to look at the others in front of her.

"And to think that the little bird here actually thought you would come for her…such hope…what a pity," Spike stated, looking at the blonde slayer. He watched the flow of emotions pass thorough her face, looked at the others around her. He would be lying if he said that playing with them, seeing them like this wasn't fun. It was entertainment to the vampire.

Buffy's throat clenched, the emotions she was feeling threatening to spill out. "Let her go," she demanded through clenched teeth. She was angry. Angry at Spike, angry at what has happened, angry at herself…

Spike looked at her, choosing to toy with her, "Why? I mean, we have bonded you know? Got down and personal the past few days, while none of you noticed she was gone. Why would…"

"I said, let her go," Buffy repeated, glancing at the brunette slayer, seeing the brunette shut her eyes tightly for a moment before opening them again void of emotion, refusing to look their way…to look anywhere...

"You are a weird lot, you know that? I just feel bad for poor old Faith here," Spike stated, gesturing to the brunette, "Holding out for the only person that she remotely has faith in and cares about, only to be shoved off, pushed off and forgotten. Ouch. You really know how to treat a person and make them feel wanted and welcome don't you?"

Buffy took a step forward, "You don't know what you're talking about. This is all just one big game to you isn't it? You think you can just come back here and shake things up? Wrong. You shouldn't have come back Spike." Buffy stated angrily. Spike only smirked. He was getting what he wanted out of the blonde.

"Hey, if denial works for you, so be it, it's not my problem. We had plenty of fun with her anyway. Too bad she wasn't that vocal for us," Spike stated as he watched the blonde look over to the brunette again, worry and guilt etched on her face.

"She's drowning from a broken heart. Bad slayer," Drusilla stated, loosening her arm from the brunette a little, "Such pain, such loneliness, I can still hear her unvoiced cries and screams…"

Drusilla stopped speaking suddenly, her eyes going wide, as the brunette slayer quickly moved, shoving her one arm at the vampire, "Now you know how it feels," rasped out Faith as Drusilla looked at Spike, shock and surprise written on her face.

"Spike?"

And with that whispered surprise of sadness, Drusilla fell away to dust. Faith remained, standing tiredly, with a metal spike, one that was used on her…to hurt her, to torture her…that she had picked up and slipped into what remained of her jeans as Spike beat her before arriving…

There seemed to be a second delay, of silence, of stillness, before everyone moved, "Dru? Dru!" Spike yelled in shock before turning to the battered slayer, taking a step towards her, his body shaking from anger.

Xander jumped out of his seat, grabbing for whatever would serve as a weapon, the others following his lead. Buffy took a few quick steps foreword, seeing the vampire's movement, and Spike stopped in mid stride. He looked at them all and registered how badly out numbered he was. Anger, grief, and rage ran through him as he turned to the brunette, knowing that he didn't stand a chance, "You think this is over? It isn't. I'll hunt you down, make you miserable, make you pay… I promise you that, and I'll take pleasure in killing you. I will be back for you, mark my words," he spit out, in a promised threat, at the slayer.

Spike then turned and looked at the makeshift Scooby gang that stood poised, not only a few feet away from him, and scoffed. "I hope they were bloody worth it…you're really alone now," and with that, he reluctantly turned and quickly exited out of the library, the doors echoing from his retreat.

The quick moment of silence that followed was shattered as the metal spike that Faith suddenly let go, clattered to the floor, her own blood still covering it. The brunette stared at it for a moment, and Buffy couldn't help but take a step toward her, to reach out, something…

Faith seemed so lost, expressionless, and practically broken…

The image didn't sit will with the blonde slayer.

"Faith…" Buffy whispered as she tried to take another step towards the other slayer. The brunette then noticed her, backing away from her as she got closer.

"We should probably get her to a hospital," Giles suggested, knowing that the brunette slayer was in bad shape.

"No."

"What?" Buffy asked, hearing Faith's uttered words as the other girl backed up a few steps again.

"I don't need to go," the brunette stated, looking up at the blonde briefly, making eye contact with her for the first time since she was drugged in, only to quickly look away, avoiding the other slayer's eyes.

"Why…what…Faith, you're badly hurt. You…" Buffy started to say as she tried to approach the brunette again before being cut off.

"Don't…get…just, stay away from me," Faith muttered, stepping away from the blonde again as she backed her way towards the library doors, eyes still not meeting anyone's, as she quickly turned and exited.

The others stood there in silence and in shock.

"Ok…is it just me, or is Faith just totally crazy for passing up on going to the hospital when she can barely walk?" Xander broke the silence.

"Not to mention all the nice cuts, gashes, burns, and possibly broken bones she has. And I wouldn't go back out when the very person that did that to me was still lurking out there. And did you see her clothes? They're barely serving as clothing," Cordelia stated as she turned towards Xander.

"She couldn't have gotten far," Giles said as he turned toward his slayer.

"She really needs some medical assistance, those injuries…" Wesley started as Buffy quickly interrupted him, his voice falling upon deaf ears, "Right. I'm going after her, I'll check back in with you later."

After a quick nod of approval, Buffy quickly exited the library, intent on finding the brunette slayer…

Meanwhile, Faith had already exited the school, wanting to get as far away from it, and Buffy, as possible. Even with her injuries, she was able to move pretty quickly. She felt suffocated…the need to get away from them all…from everyone, was great. Her appearance was the last thing on her mind, as an inner battle that was far more greater took place. She ignored the pain she felt, that coursed through her body, and fled.

Nothing could help her now. In the brunette's mind, there was no doctor or hospital that would be able to help her…

For they couldn't heal the dead…

_**

* * *

TBC…**___

Are you liking this so far? Should I keep at it? Reviews are great tools my friends, lol. As I mentioned before, I can make this a longer fic…  
I am still rolling ideas around, we will see._Tell me what ya think:)_


	4. Chapter 4: Changing

**Summary:** There are always different outcomes to things. People make decisions, things happen, things change…but just how much? This is an AU story of a possible out come during Season 3. What if Spike and Drusilla came back to Sunnydale? What would have happened? And what about Faith? Does anything change?**  
Main Pairing:** Buffy/Faith (eventually, later on), with some of the other normal pairings of the season.  
**Rating:** R to be safe**  
Setting:** This takes place a little after the whole Finch ordeal. Faith never slept with Xander and hasn't turned to the Mayor…And remember, this is an AU of sorts, don't be picky, just be creative and go with the flow of things. I mention that, for things obviously have been changed around in order for this story to work and form into what it is. Episodes have been rearranged and even changed within the season as well. I hope you can pick it all up as you go :)**  
Author Notes:** Thanks for the reviews guys!_  
Wow, the last batch of reviews I got...I have to say were the best reviews I have ever gotten! Thank you all! I really mean that! They have inspired me so, and in that, I just might go further in this fic :)__  
As usual, I got more comments that the end of the fic, lol.__  
And **fai925**, thank you VERY much for your kind words:)And no, I haven't forgotten about the rest of you, thank you all again!_

**Lost Inside**

_Chapter 3: Changing_

.**  
**

Faith sat alone, in the darkness of the crypt, rocking back and forth as the cold consumed her. She felt cold all over, as though she would freeze anything she touched. She raised her hands to her head, clutching them over her ears as she clenched her jaw, grinding her teeth, trying as hard as she could to block everything out. She didn't ask for this, she never wanted this…everything burned, everything hurt, everything was different, everything was changing…and she couldn't stop it.

She willed herself not to cry, crying was weak. A small whimper escaped her mouth as she continued to rock. She had no where to go, no one to go to…and the crypt seemed to be closing in on her, consuming her in her darkened corner. Everything was eating away at her, becoming too much…

The brunette glanced briefly, disgusted, at the dead rat that was a few feet away in front of her, before looking away. She was hungry, needed to feed, she knew it, could feel it, and hated it. Absolutely hated what she had become, who she was. The rat was her only source of blood, and she had thrown it across the crypt in disgust after only consuming a little bit of its blood, almost vomiting over the act. She had no control, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was afraid.

She could smell the sun outside. It had risen a few hours ago. After leaving the library, Faith was almost on auto pilot. She had no where to go, the only place she could even think of, past all the pain, was Restfeild, in a crypt she had discovered while on patrol one night. And she had been there ever since.

The slayer let out a yell of anguish and she gripped her hands tighter on her hair, pulling a little before letting go and hitting her fits on the ground. It wouldn't stop…everything in her head, what she felt, what she sensed, what she was remembering, what she was hearing, what she was seeing…everything…it was driving her mad.

The slayer in her seemed to be fighting the vampire in her and the vampire in her seemed to be fighting the slayer in her. She was the chosen one, one to fight and kill demons and vampires…but now she was one. Not just a vampire in the brunette's mind, but a demon as well, a freakish creature…a monster…

Guilt, anger, sadness, pain, regret, hate…everything was building up inside. Whispered thoughts seem to creep into her mind, not of her own accord, the vampire in her mocking her soul. The slayer in her trying to be strong…it was all conflicting, confusing, painful…

"God! Make it stop! Stop stop stop stop!" Faith started yelling, only to end in whimpers, "Shut up, shut up…don't think don't…Shut up…be still, be quite…stop…_please_…"

The brunette pulled herself in tighter, wrapping her arms around herself protectively as she drew her knees up more into her body, curling more into the corner of the crypt. She rested her head on her arm as she leaned against the wall. It was quite, no sounds to be heard except the life that went on outside of the crypt, outside of the graveyard. But in side the brunette's head…it was defining…

"I'm sorry…" Faith lightly muttered, just barely above a whisper. Then the brunette buried her head in her arms, sobbing lightly…

**Sunnydale High School, the library…**

Buffy sighed as she placed her head in her hands, "No, I wasn't able to find her. I looked everywhere," Buffy stated as she lifted her head to look at her watcher, "I even had Angel help me and I still couldn't find her. I spent most of the night looking for her."

"Did you try…" Willow started to say.

"Yes, I tried her motel room..." Buffy hesitated a moment, looking down at her hands before continuing, "evidently, Faith hasn't been able to pay for her room. So the manager had given her two days to come up with the money…unfortunately.."

"She was captured before she could even attempt to pay for the room," Giles concluded for her.

"Yeah…" Buffy replied, looking up at him.

"So there was no room for her to go back to then right?" Xander asked, a little confused. Giles, Xander, Willow, and Buffy were meeting before school started. Xander and Willow walked in on the blonde talking to Giles and they had been discussing what has happened since last night…

"No, there wasn't. I even asked if she had come by at all but he said no, that he hadn't seen her since the last time he had talked to her. He just emptied out her room after two days…" Buffy answered, trailing off at the end and looking off into space for a moment.

The whole thing was killing her. She had barely slept, but it didn't matter…Faith was out there somewhere…alone…and God knows what. She tried, franticly searching for the other slayer, as she couldn't find her after leaving the library last night. It was as though the brunette disappeared. There was no way, with all her injuries…that she could have gotten far, yet she couldn't find her. The blonde felt horrible. How could she have done this to her? She was so selfish, too involved with her problems, with how she felt… that she didn't even notice…

Buffy then shook her head, freeing her thoughts. Right now, she needed to focus on finding her…getting her back…

"You don't think that Spike got her again do you?" Xander asked, suddenly having that thought.

"I don't know, I hope not…I don't know…" Buffy muttered in reply.

"Maybe there is some kind of spell," Willow started, only to see Giles' disapproving look, "or something that we can do to find her…"

There was a moment of silence as each person tried to come up with something. After a pause, Giles sighed and took off his glasses, "I guess we will just have to keep looking, and hopefully, we will find her," the watcher suggested as he pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment before placing the glasses back on.

"Do you think…" Buffy started, pausing a moment, "Do you think that, maybe if we had paid attention more…included her…something, I don't know…that this wouldn't have happened?"

The slayer looked up at her watcher and her friends with a sad pained expression. Willow and Xander looked away, a little guilty, thinking about what she had said. Giles just looked at her, feeling for his slayer, and how guilty she might feel…for he was feeling it too…

"I suggest that you all get along to your classes for now. We will meet again after school and decided what to do from there. No sense in going over this now. I will see what I can do in the meantime," Giles suggested, feeling that no more good would come out of discussing it now.

Buffy sighed as she paused a moment, looking down, before getting up and gathering her things to go to class, "I'll see you guys at lunch," she stated plainly as she made her way towards the library doors and exiting.

"Do you think she's right?" Willow asked after a few moments of the blonde's departure. Xander just looked at her as he picked up his backpack, looking over towards Giles' office where the watcher just went.

"I…I don't know Wills. I mean…well…I just think we should just help in anyway way that we can, you know?" he asked as he walked with the redhead towards the exit of the library.

**Restfeild Cemetery, Crypt...**

She could sense the night fall. The vampire in her was waking up even more to the darkness of the night, her senses becoming even stronger. The vampire and slayer in her both had the need to hunt, to prowl the night…they were calling to her. One of the only things that the two sides of her double edge sword had in common…the darkness…

Faith lay in the corner of the crypt, from the opposite side from where she was before. There was blood on various parts of the ground, her tank top was ripped more then before with more blood soaking through it…right where her heart was…or to Faith, what was left of it…

The brunette remained still, almost unmoving, as she lay where she was. Her senses roared at her, her instincts raging, everything collided, mixed…everything she felt, the emotions, the feelings, the guilt, the anger, the pain…everything…it was killing her. And all she could do was lay there, quietly sobbing, trying to stop the tears that seemed to flow down her cheeks, soaking the ground where she lay. It was all so much…

She felt alone, so alone…and cold, cold all over, everywhere. She had no where to go…she felt lost…not knowing where things began or ended….

She felt as if she was losing it…going out of her mind…

She almost wished death to really take her, to take her and the curse that she felt she was away, anything, to escape what she was feeling, what was happening, everything…

She couldn't take it…she didn't know what to do…it was all building inside, boiling, turning, crashing, everything…

What happened, her past, memories, guilt, the vampire part of her, the slayer part of her…everything…was killing her…

The brunette slowly and silently sat up, staring off into the corner as a thought passed her mind…

There was one thing she could do…one person that she could see…who might actually help…it was her last resort…she had to…

With all her thoughts baring such great weight upon her shoulders, the brunette slowly rose from her place on the ground, having made a decision.

If her dirty soul was even worth saving…there was only one person she could think of to go to…

_**TBC….**_

_**

* * *

**_

_Sorry! Short update I know. But I wanted to get an update out there for you guys. I have been SO busy, that it's down right crazy. So I am sorry if I am slow at updating! Anyway, thanks for the reviews! I was worried about staying true to the characters and getting all of the emotions and everything down right. Your reviews helped me to see that I was at least getting a little bit of that right! lol. I just hope I still am doing an ok job! As I said, I am still working on what/where I want to go with this. Anyway, I will update again once I have the time! _


	5. Chapter 5: Help Me

**Summary:** There are always different outcomes to things. People make decisions, things happen, things change…but just how much? This is an AU story of a possible out come during Season 3. What if Spike and Drusilla came back to Sunnydale? What would have happened? And what about Faith? Does anything change?**  
Main Pairing:** Buffy/Faith (eventually, later on), with some of the other normal pairings of the season.  
**Rating:** R to be safe**  
Setting:** This takes place a little after the whole Finch ordeal. Faith never slept with Xander and hasn't turned to the Mayor…  
And remember, this is an AU of sorts, don't be picky, just be creative and go with the flow of things. I mention that, for things obviously have been changed around in order for this story to work and form into what it is. Episodes have been rearranged and even changed within the season as well. I hope you can pick it all up as you go :)**  
Author Notes:** Thanks for the reviews guys! 

_Sorry that it took me forever to get another chapter up. Some things came up and I had writers block. I might cut this story shorter then I was, due to wanting to pick back up on the Big ol long fic I am writing :) Anyway, I hope you like the update!  
_

**Lost Inside**

_Chapter 5: Help Me_

Angel walked towards the courtyard, the sun having set an hour before. Buffy had been by earlier and they had agreed to patrol separately for the night, in the hopes of being able to cover more ground. If he was able to come up with anything, he was to report back.

Overall…Angel was worried. He knew that Faith was dealing with her guilt, her pain, her past, her loneliness…

It had been a while since he had last seen someone as tortured as she was. Yet the brunette was trying to deal with it. She hid behind many things, but the feelings were there. He could see it through her slipped walls every now and then in the conversations and questions that she had asked of him when they talked. They were brief, but there.

Things were going well, he thought, with the brunette. Buffy never really talked about her, and he didn't ask. It wasn't his place. But he thought she was getting there, getting to the point of living with what has happened in her life, for taking a life…

He didn't know much about her. They weren't close, and she didn't come too often, but enough for him to know that she was hurting. And if he would have known…known just how lonely she really was…

He saw it. Saw the loneliness in her. But she had always kept everything so guarded. And it made him wonder just what kind of a life she had lead and lived before arriving to Sunnydale. The poor girl was trying so hard to be so strong…

He could only imagine the kind of things that they did to her. That Spike and Drusilla did… and it worried him. And he couldn't help but wonder if all the hard work the brunette put in towards dealing and trying to be strong had been altered due the encounter. If he knew Spike, if he knew Drusilla…he hoped the brunette was ok. That they would find her, and soon.

Movement, in the darkened shadows of the moonlight caught his eye as he entered into the courtyard. He wasn't alone…

He stopped and stood, searching the darkness, expanding his senses…

And that's when he smelled it.

Blood.

He saw the movement again to his right, as he turned his head looking into the shadows.

Faith emerged from the darkness, eyes downcast, her arms wrapped protectively around herself.

"Faith?" Angel questioned lightly. The brunette raised her eyes to the vampire, tears threatening to spill as she tried hard to hold them back.

"I…I had no where to go…sorry, I'm sorry…I didn't know what to do," Faith stated in an almost pleading way. He noticed her clothes, the healing wounds, but he also noticed the fresh blood that was still seeping through her torn top. Then it all hit him all at once…and he understood…

"It's ok, it's ok…I can help you…" Angel started as he took a few steps towards the brunette, who cut him off.

"I…it hurts…it all hurts and burns and…I'm sorry, I'm sorry…I had no where to go. I…" Faith said shaking.

"Shhhh, shhhhh, it's ok…" He tried to sooth as the brunette let him approach her and wrapped his arms around her as she started to sob "You did the right thing. I will help you…shhhhhh, it's ok."

**_The following morning…_**

Faith sat in a pair of black baggie sweatpants and a white t-shirt, her knees pulled up to her chest as she stared into the fire place. The brunette turned her head as she heard Angel approach her.

"Sorry, this was all I had," he said as he handed her the long sleeved grey sweatshirt that Buffy had left there a while ago. He had given her what clothes he could after calming her down and cleaning her up and taking care of her wounds.

"Thanks…" Faith replied as she took the offered garment, grimacing a little as she slipped it on and zipped it half way up. The garment smelled of her counterpart, and it was almost unbarring.

It had taken this long to get the brunette to her current state. She hadn't said much, but she didn't need to. Angel pretty much had a good idea what might be going through the other slayer's mind. He quietly sat down across from her as she stared into the fire.

"Sorry," the brunette suddenly stated, still looking into the fire, "Sorry about all of this…but thank you for helping me."

Faith gave him a weak smile as she turned to look at him briefly before staring back into the fire. "I still feel it all…my head's a mess," the brunette stated, mumbling the last part into a sigh.

"I tried to cut it out. I couldn't take it…that's why…" Faith started to explain, only to drift off.

"It's ok. You don't have to explain it to me, I understand," Angel said, trying to be as supportive as he could. Inside, he was worried…deeply worried. A slayer had never been turned before, and he could only imagine the kind of effect it was having on the slayer…

The brunette was then silent, thinking things over in her mind before looking over at Angel with pain filled eyes. Eyes that seemed so sad…so full of hurt…so full of misery…that Angel almost had to look away.

"It's only going to get worse…isn't it?" she asked, looking him square in the eye. He didn't answer her, and she took his silence as an answer, looking back into the fire.

Angel knew that she was getting weaker, that she needed blood…and he had tried offering it to her but she refused it. After persuading her, he finally got her to take some, helping the brunette regain some more strength. Strength that she desperately needed to help heal quicker. He watched her as she finally fell to sleep, mostly due from exhaustion. Her sleep was disturbed, uneven, full of nightmares, as he watched her. And his concern grew. It had been a long night and now day, and Angel did all he could to help the brunette. He was glad that she had come to him…that she felt that she could go to him…but was it enough?

**Nightfall…**

Faith fidgeted as they started to walk through the cemetery. After a few moments, Angel looked over at her, "It's going to be alright," he stated, trying to be reassuring. The brunette glanced up at him before turning her attention back to her footsteps.

"If you say so…I think it's a bad idea…" Faith stated, mumbling the last part. Angel chose to remain silent. Silently having his doubts as well, but he knew they had to…that this was the best way. He knew that he, that they, were making the right decision.

They needed to know. Buffy needed to know. It was only a matter of time before they found out, a new slayer having already been called by now. This was the best way to do it. Having him there as support for the brunette would be good. But he still worried. He was still concerned about her. Her behavior…he couldn't read her as well as he used to now. And as much as he could guess at how she was feeling, how she was doing…he truly didn't know. And it worried him.

Faith had been rather quite since she had come to him the previous night. He could understand the main reasons as to why. He just only hoped that the brunette truly knew the she could talk to him...that he was there to help. He was glad that they had come this far. Through everything, he was more sure now then ever that Faith was a strong individual…and held a high tolerance for pain. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. He knew that pain, knew how much it hurt, and _that_, was what worried him.

He wish he knew exactly what she was thinking, knew how she was feeling…then he could better help her…

They would take it as they went. But at least she wouldn't be alone. She wouldn't have to deal all alone. He would be there, help her…

He would be there no matter what, he decided. He knew that Faith needed him, needed guidance into this new unwelcome life that was shoved onto her. And then maybe, maybe she had a shot…a chance…

Both brooding vampires were brought out of their thoughts as the shadows shifted in the cemetery around them. Both of them stopped walking and glanced about their surroundings, suddenly sensing several other vampires.

A throaty chuckle sounded behind them that they both recognized…and it was then that Angel regretted choosing to take this short cut through the cemetery…

"Fancy finding the two of you here," rang Spike's voice as they turned around.

"Spike," Angel hissed, feeling his distaste for the vampire rise.

"Angel," the blonde vampire stated, with equal distaste, shifting his eyes over to the brunette, "Faith, luv," He greeted, his mouth taking on a smirking mocking smile.

Faith stayed silent, counting the other vampires around them. There were six other vampires, not including their leader.

"What do you want?" Angel asked, seeing the other vampires move in closer to them. Spike smiled.

"Come on now Angel. What do you think? As much as I would love to have come here for you…I haven't," the vampire replied, looking over at Faith, "I've come for the bird here."

Faith remained expressionless, staring right back at him. "It seems that we have some unfinished business to attend to," Spike stated before all the vampires jumped at them at once.

Everything seemed to happen so quick, Faith's mind and body going on instinct and auto pilot, following both the vampire and the slayer within her, which strangely enough, guided her much more effective and efficiently then going against them…

The brunette flipped the first vampire that attacked her, over her head and onto his back as she kicked another one in the gut, sending him back into another vampire.

"Here," Angel quickly called out, as he tossed her a spare stake he was carrying. The brunette spun around and caught it, continuing to spin as she drove the stake right into the heart of the vampire that she had flipped over moments ago. Dust exploded to reveal two other pissed off vampires.

"Didn't think I would let you get away did you?" Faith heard the blonde vampire ask as she back handed one of the vampires, Angel fighting his own set of vampires just behind her. The brunette made no reply as she dusted another one of her vampires. "You just threw it all away…and for what? A bunch of worthless people who don't even care about you?"

Angel managed to dust one of his vampires, as he noticed Spike shift a little, not jumping into the fight, stopping a safe distance away as he continued to taught the brunette with his words. In a sudden quick movement, Spike had reached into his leather duster, producing a sharp knife, the gleam from it's blade catching Angel's eyes. Faith, who momentarily had her back turned to the vampire, didn't see it.

Angel, upon instinct, threw himself in the line of fire, as Spike hurtled the knife at the brunette slayer. One second, Angel was next to her, fighting along with her, and in the next moment, he was between her and Spike. Faith, who had just dusted her vampire turned to see Angel not too far away from her, the knife embedded into his chest.

"Angel!" the brunette shouted as a vampire lunged at him from the side, sending Angel head first into a tombstone. Faith reacted quickly, running to his side, throwing the vampire that had lunged at him away from him. She then grunted in panic as she saw the blood pouring out from Angel's chest, already covering her hands as she applied pressure to the wound, removing the knife.

A soft chuckle could be heard close by as Spike restrained the remaining two other vampires that were left with him from approaching the brunette. "But we can finish this," one hissed annoyed at being halted.

Spike looked sideways at him. "Our time here is done, we did what we needed to, now we let the bad timing take care of the rest," Spike replied, lowering his arms. The two vampires looked at him in confusion. "Trust me, what will bound to happen next will hurt more then anything we could do now…" Spike stated looking out into the shadows of the cemetery, "now come on. We have to get going."

Faith barely registered Spike and the other two vampires leaving as she applied more pressure to Angel's wound. She tossed away the knife, seeing the vampires disappear into the darkness of the cemetery, but was too concerned about Angel to really care to the reasons of their sudden departure.

"Angel?" Faith asked as she tried shaking him a little. The brunette then noticed a little bit of blood that seemed to be coming from his head. He had hit the headstone hard, knocking him unconscious. "Why did you have to do that? Why?" she questioned, looking at him before looking up across the tombstones. Someone was coming…

"Faith?" came a soft voice. The brunette knew that voice from anywhere, turning in the opposite direction to see Buffy standing not too far away.

Buffy didn't believe her eyes at first, but her counterpart was really in front of her. And she didn't know how it was possible to look better, yet worse at the same time. Faith's appearance looked better then the last time she had seen her, having obviously been cleaned up and cared for, but she seemed paler, drained…different. This quickly shot through her mind as she then recognized her own sweater on the brunette. Then she saw the blood…and Angel…

"Angel!" Buffy shouted in alarm as she rushed foreword, pushing the brunette away as she checked over him. Faith grunted as she rose up from where she was pushed away, standing next to the blonde as Buffy brought her hands up, seeing the blood on them.

"Wha.." Buffy started as she looked up at Faith before looking back down at Angel, "What'd you do?" Buffy whispered, applying pressure to the wound, her expression a mix of disbelief, panic, concern, sadness, and anger.

Faith opened her mouth, only to close it again. No sound would come out. Buffy thought she had done this...

Panic and hurt swept through Faith, her emotions becoming mixed. Seeing Buffy, what had just happened, everything…it was crashing down on her and she had never felt so helpless, so suffocated...

"I…I didn't," Faith started, staring at Angel as Buffy touched his face, seeing the blood there, before looking back up at the brunette, "I didn't do this…" Faith choked, meeting the other slayers eyes. She couldn't do this, couldn't handle this now. Buffy couldn't think she had done this…she couldn't…

Buffy couldn't help but come to her own conclusions, letting how she felt…her emotions get the best of her. She had suppressed so much the past few days since Faith walked out the library, that it was all coming out. Her eyes seemed to empty out, looking at the brunette in anger. She had been worried about her, trying so hard to find her, barely slept…and here she was…

Buffy pushed the thoughts away as she stared at her, ignoring the little voice in the back of her head, telling her that something wasn't right. Ignored, overlooked the desperate look that Faith seemed to be giving her.

"Just like Finch right?" Buffy spat in anger. Her anger was more from hurt then it was anything else. She felt betrayed, confused, happy to see Faith yet upset at the same time, worried for Angel…too much, it was too much. It was easy to feel anger, to channel everything into anger.

Faith flinched at the comment. Her heart, or what was left of it, breaking at the site of Buffy's eyes go cold on her. But she had to believe…she had to know that she didn't do this…it looked bad …but she didn't do it. She had to believe her!

"Please…Buffy…" Faith started as the blonde looked away from her, back down to Angel, "You have to believe me. I didn't do this…you got to believe me," Faith pleaded, looking at Angel then back to Buffy.

The brunette felt as though she was falling apart…

Her body telling her to run, to run far away from this place, from her…from everything…

The vampire in her felt weak, wanting to feed, wanting to attack yet run at the same time…

The slayer in her disgusted with herself, what she had become, and wanting, needing, to be closer to the blonde, wanting to do what she was chosen to do…

Her heart secretly pleading that Buffy believed her…clutching at the only thing she felt she had left…

Her mind trying so hard to hold everything together as she felt like a rag doll being torn in ten different places…a mouse trapped in a box…

Her eyes pleaded with the blonde, that she believed her…

"Buffy…" Faith stated, taking a step towards the blonde.

"Go." Buffy said, not turning to her. Faith froze.

"But…"

"I said go," Buffy repeated, not looking at her. It was hurting her…she couldn't do this, couldn't look at her.

"But Buffy" the brunette tried again.

"Go," Buffy whispered, again not looking at her.

"Buffy, _please_…"

"GO!" Buffy yelled, looking up at the brunette as she yelled, only to look away again, "Get away from me…"

The last part was whispered, but Faith heard it…she stood frozen for a moment… then suddenly felt sick, her eyes stinging with tears as she took a few steps backwards.

She didn't believe her…

Buffy didn't believe her…

The brunette stumbled as she lost her footing for a moment, her hand going to her mouth as a painful sob threatened to break through, her throat clutching painfully in hopes of containing the pain she felt inside.

She didn't believe her…didn't care…

She felt as though the darkness of the cemetery was closing in on her, panic clutching at her chest, breath choking, she was drowning…

This couldn't be happening…No…

The brunette spun around, clutching a hand to her chest as she stumbled again…forcing to hold herself, to not utter a sound…

She had to get out, had to get away…

Clutching her hand to her mouth, her tears now freely streaming down her face, Faith sprinted from the cemetery…not looking back.

Only the soft sound of quite sobs could be heard as Buffy started to cry, leaning her upper body down onto Angel as she silently cried…

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**_TBC_****  
**_Sorry that this was kind of jummbled together. I tried really hard to get everything out the way I wanted to. In case if you didn't get it, the reason why Faith was bleeding was because she tried to cut her heart out, kind of like what Spike did. Make sense? no? Too bad, lol jk jk jk.  
I hope you weren't too confused at all. I hope to update again, probably won't be much left to this one, I don't know yet. Anyway, I go back to college here soon so I might be a little tied up but I will do what I can! Thanks for the reviews! They keep me writing:)  
_


	6. Chapter 6: Truth

**Author Notes:**_Ok, here we go with another update. Yes, it is short, but I do some of these chapters wanting them to start and end at a certain point. So I am sorry about the shortness. I am still trying to improve on my writing skills. I am still not pleased with them. But oh well, lol.  
I want to thank you ALL for the wonderful reviews. I have some personal comments to some of you at the bottom of the chapter. Wow, I didn't know people really like this fic. I might develop it more but I really need to get back to a LONG fic that I have been working on. But we will see :)__  
I also won't bother with the whole description thing at the heading of every chapter any more. I figure by now I don't need them and I also figured they were getting annoying, lol.__  
So with out further ado, I give you the next chapter…(and yes, I like ellipses…lol ;))_

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**Lost Inside**  
_Chapter 6: Truth_

Buffy sat in her chair, looking down at the ground aimlessly, barely filtering what Wesley was saying…knowing most of it anyway…

_"A new slayer has been called…_

The previous night repeated it self in her mind, replaying things that she wished she could forget…but try as she might, she couldn't. Couldn't stop the events replaying in her mind, couldn't stop seeing those pleading brown eyes…

Buffy closed her eyes in pain, remembering it all, and wishing that it weren't true…that none of this had happened…

_"A team has been dispatched…_

She could barely remember Angel walking her home the previous night... telling her promises of how things were going to be ok…but where they?

She had taken him to the school that night, knowing it was closer, and knowing that Giles would still be there. When Angel had finally come around, the first thing he asked was where Faith was….

And that was when things started blending together, mixing, fusing together in a blurry haze that Buffy wanted to forget…

_"A slayer has never been turned before…"_

How did things get this way? How did it all come to this? Buffy sighed as she put her head in her hands, ignoring the others around her.

She had barely slept at all, staring at the same spot on her ceiling that she had become quite familiar with the past few nights. She wanted to be out there, looking for her, trying to find her, _something_… but she was running on empty, physically and emotionally exhausted…and had promised both Angel and Giles that she wouldn't go out looking that night.

She could barely remember tending to Angel's wounds or getting him to the library… just Faith…Faith's face…the look on her face…

Buffy closed her eyes again, as they started to burn with unshed tears. Burned from frustration, pain, sorrow, hurt, anger…

She couldn't help but blame herself, be angry at herself. And she felt helpless. Felt helpless sitting there, while Faith was out there somewhere, alone….

Buffy opened her eyes as she turned her head, looking off into space with one thing on her mind….

"_Faith…where are you?"_

**Elsewhere…**

Spike sighed as he got up from his chair, turning towards his door. He wondered if the slayer was right when she mentioned his minions being morons. They didn't know when to keep their traps shut and settle down. He could hear them barging about outside of his door.

Finding help now a days wasn't as easy as it used to be. And it seemed as though those very morons where what he had to settle for. As long as they got the job done, Spike could careless who they were. They were disposable to him.

He was about to give them a piece of his mind when the door suddenly flew open, one of his men falling through the doorway, his head falling from his shoulders, immediately turning his body to dust.

"Bloody hell!" Spike yelled in confusion as a figure moved through the doorway. When he looked up and saw her, he froze, her expression holding him in place. Her appearance was a mess and looked as though she had been through hell to get to where she was. And he had no doubt in his mind that she had killed every vampire and demon in her path to find and get to where she was now. And it was in that moment that Spike actually felt threatened. The look in her eyes…he had seen before…

Faith stood in the door way, spitting blood that was in her mouth to the ground. She had gone non stop, looking for him. She had gone to Willy's, every tomb, empty warehouse, sewer…had killed every demons and vampire that crossed her path in the means of finding where he was. And she had no intention of stopping, the pain in her moving her foreword. Her body screamed in protest, but everything else inside her sped her on, unleashing the pain, everything that she felt, onto those unlucky enough to cross her path.

Spike knew why she was here. Had no doubt in his mind.

The two stared at one another for a moment, silence shadowing over them. Faith looked over at the leather duster that laid folded over the chair.

"That coat isn't yours is it? Stole it, just like the lives you take…didn't you?" she asked, catching the vampire off guard for a moment. Spike looked over at the coat briefly before looking back at her.

"I think of it as a trophy more then anything really," he smiled as he looked at her. Faith looked at him in disgust, anger, and in pain.

"People aren't play toys. You made a mistake when you stole my life from me…" she growled out, her muscles tensing as she spoke.

"Then come give us a kiss then luv," Spike interrupted with cocky smile, hiding the small doubt that he felt at the back of his mind.

Faith needed nothing else, and lunged at him…

_**TBC…**_

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_NOTE: No, don't shoot me! lol. I had to end it there. Sorry that it was short. But hey, you got an update so there, lol.  
Thank you all again for your reviews on this!__  
I know a lot of you are hating the Buffster right now, and I don't blame you! But sometimes, she just likes to piss us off, lol. So yeah, I was trying to get to the point where you see how she just assumes things and pushes things away…so I hope you got that. I also tried to put/communicate hurt and confusion on Buffy's part. See, Buffy is suffering in her own way as well, you just might not get that as much.__  
See, I like writing for Faith. Faith's my girl, I like writing for her. But I have trouble being true to some other characters. Thus why I don't like doing POV for I feel like I write them wrong at times.__  
Anyway, I am back at the university guys, so I will do what I can update wise. Thanks for reading! _****

**Ganglion** – _to answer your question, if you read through it, I hope you saw how Angel was knocked unconscious. It wasn't the knife, it was the vampire that knocked him head first into a headstone. That was why he was bleeding from the head, lol. He is going to have one hell of a shiner! lol. Sorry that I confused you._  
**fai925** – _thank you for your kind words! I got to tell you something though, my name is Cristina, not Christine, lol. I wasn't really Christine in that last story, the character was based off of me a little, but really wasn't me. Sometimes, I think entering authors into fics is tacky, lol, so I just re did it a little. But since I see you as a friend, I thought I would let you know that that was my real name :) And thank you for liking my stuff. I sometimes feel that it isn't good. So thank you, that means a lot…and you think you might know where I will go with this? Do you? I guess we will see…heheheeee, lol._**  
Angel of the Lord** – _yes, I was aiming at the aggravation towards Buffy, lol. And you know what, out of everyone, I hated Riley the most, lol, so I feel your pain ;)_

**Everyone else** – _thank you for your reviews, I read every single one. Thank you for them and I am glad you like the fic. I just don't want this chapter updating being mostly Author notes! So I will end it here :)_


	7. Chapter 7: Long Time Past

**Disclaimer: **Remember, I don't own Buffy or any of that jazz….just enjoy the story, lol.  
**Author Notes:**Thanks for the reviews guys! Remember that this is an AU of season 3 of Buffy. The order of the Episodes have been changed in order for this to work..._  
Sorry I had writers block and was busy with school. Again, more notes as at the end, because you all know how long winded I am and how I can babble...lol. Hope you enjoy the new chapter!__  
Alright, it has been a few months since we last saw Faith squaring off with Spike…_

**Lost Inside**

_Chapter 7: Long Time Past_

"Come on you idiots. The shipment is already late. Never trusted those damn planes anyway," A grungy vampire rushed, trying to hurry up the other vampires around him to work faster. There were about ten or so vampires loading up boxes at the dock to be shipped out. The last of the boxes were being carried onto the ship as the head vampire watched over them. The ship's destination was to head towards Sunnydale. Only one package among the cargo was extremely important, the others being of minor value. The package was running late as it was, and the head vampire feared the consequences of it being any later.

It was supposed to be shipped by plane, but trouble and difficulties had arisen, grounding it, and they had no choice but to transport it by boat. The responsibility was now his, and it made him a little uneasy. The last of the vampires stood on the doc, having loaded up the last of the cargo. There were only a few that were actually needed on the ship, being that there were others waiting for their arrival.

The head vampire nodded in approval as the last of the vampires departed off of the ship, tossing the holding line, that connected the boat to the dock, onto the boat. "Good. Good work. I will contact the rest of you with further instructions once….Look out!" The vampire yelled as he saw a falling crate heading right at his men. The ship had already started to drift from the dock. "Hurry up! Get us moving!" he yelled behind him as he saw a dark figure follow shortly after the crate.

Most of the vampires on the dock had dove out of the way before the crate hit. Those unlucky enough, groaned as they tried to emerge from underneath the splintering mass.

"I want to know what's on that boat…" a figure stated flatly as it merged from the shadows where it landed, "And you're going to tell me."

The head vampire watched as they drifted further away from the docks, glad that they were able to start their departure before she had come. He had had no doubt who it was….and he was glad not to be within her grasp. There had been talk…rumors…and he didn't want to be on the receiving end of what she was capable of. All he had to concentrate on now was getting the cargo to its location. His men couldn't be helped. And knowing the slayer, she would make quick work of his men. His only hope was that none of them gave her any information. With that thought in mind, the head vampire turned from the scene, the engine roaring to life as it reached a safe distance, and set course, not once looking back.

Faith had finished the last of the vampires. She sighed as she watched the last one scurry away, his running footsteps echoing off the walls. "Shit," she mumbled as she ran her hand through her hair, looking at the mess around her. She only wished she had come across them sooner. She had gotten her information late. She knew there was going to be a shipment tonight from her contact, something very important and huge was going to be going down. But just what, Faith had no clue. But she did now…and she wished she really didn't know. But she had to stop it, it was what she did, part of her life, part of who she was.

She had managed to get herself together. Finally had come to terms with what she was and her fate. She wasn't who she used to be. She had changed. It wasn't easy, but the ex slayer worked hard to get to where she was now, to make sure that she had changed for the better. That was why she had left Sunnydale that very night, a couple months back, after her confrontation with Spike. She had left and never once looked back. She had to leave. And now she was actually beginning to feel like she was making a difference.

The life she had to live was her curse and her gift. She had every intention of making up for all the wrong she had did. And she wouldn't stop, would do whatever it takes. This was her responsibility, her gift, her curse. She had remembered what Angel said to her way back when she had asked about the dreams. And even though she might never make up for what she had done, she would still keep trying. It was all she could do. Where she had failed, she would succeed. And maybe one day, she would forgive herself for her past. Maybe one day.

Angel was right that day, in what he said…redemption was a journey, not a destination.

Faith sighed again as she gave one more glance at her surroundings before heading back into the shadows of the night. She had to get back. With the information she had just found out, there was researching to be done and people to see. It was another night, and Faith was still taking her journey into redemption….but was she really ready for what may lie ahead?

**SUNNYDALE – a few days later…**

Buffy sighed as she tossed the book she was looking through on the table. "We don't even know what we're even looking for," she complained as she rose form her seat. Wesley opened his mouth in protest, but seemed to have changed his mind as Giles gave him a look. Buffy stretched her back and swung her arms a little as she walked over to the library front desk.

"Well, it will prove useful to see if we can find some reference…" Wesley started to say.

"I'm with Buffy on this one. This is boring, not to mention the fact that I could be doing something else," Cordelia interrupted, shoving her own book away from her.

"Why are you even here? If you really don't want to be here just leave, no one's protesting." Xander snapped from his position on the other side of the table, annoyed. Willow gave Giles a worried glace.

"I asked Cordelia to be here. We need all the help…" Wesley started to reply.

"No one asked for your…" Xander interrupted, ready to argue.

"Enough!" Giles yelled, drawing everyone's attention. Things hadn't been going well the past couple of months and tension seemed to be mounting, leaving some of them of on rough terrain. "Listen, I know things have been rather difficult these past few weeks," Giles stated, seeing Xander open his mouth, he gave him a look and continued, "but it is rather important that we try to do the best we can with what we have. Anything is worth looking into and finding out about. We need all the information we can get on what the Mayor might be planning. Time is something we do not have, we need to use this time in our favor. Things will get better, but we must deal with what is in front of us first."

Buffy sighed again, leaning against the counter. "It's just…it seems, all pointless. All this researching, trying to find information, everything that has happened…" Buffy trailed off, seeming to go into a world all of her own for a moment. "Maybe we are going about this all the wrong way. The most information we have gotten so far has been from vampires, demons…"

"She has a point," Oz stated.

"But we can't just…" Wesley started to argue.

"It's rather difficult to try to research something we don't know much about," Willow interrupted, rather apologetically. Wesley sighed; placing his book down next to the crossbow Giles had just got done repairing.

Each one of them were having their own difficulties, each one of them dealing with something that has recently happened in their lives, each one of them having to live and grow in a world that seemed to move on faster then its occupants. The past couple of months haven't been easy, a lot has happened. And within these past few weeks, it seemed to mount. Buffy having her Cruciamentum. Giles' being fired, Cordelia's accident, Xander and Cordelia's break up, the Mayor, the wishverse, the council, Angel's departure, school, life...much has happened, and they were all tired. And going around in circles about the Mayor's plans with graduation fast approaching wasn't helping. They were all feeling rather helpless…

"We have no idea what to look for," Willow explained, moving her book away, "We know the Mayor is planning on something around the time of Graduation, and other then sketchy information on what else we do know, that is about it. We don't know what this box thing is, how to go about finding anything about it, if it's even real or what it does or what it's even for…"

"The Box of Gavrock, all the way from Central America. It houses some great demonic energy or something which the Mayor needs to chow down on come his Ascension," announced a voice, interrupting Willow in mid sentence, as the figure came through the library doors stopping behind where Buffy was standing.

"Faith!" Willow exclaimed, rising from her chair, startled. Buffy barely had time to glance in her direction when she saw Wesley out of the corner of her eye.

"Don't you dare think about it, or you'll never be able to use your arms again," Buffy growled as she had leapt over to him, throwing and pining him up against the wall. The crossbow that he managed to pick up fell from his hands, clattering loudly as it hit the ground.

Cordelia had jumped up from where she was seated, having backed away from the table, "Is she evil? Because if she's evil, I'm so out of here…"

"Relax!" Faith tried to sooth as she put her hands up in the form of surrender. Everyone had risen from their places, confusion and mixed feelings swam about the room, the tension having everyone on edge. "I'm here to help. Soul, remember?"

She looked around her, at the mixed emotions, the faces that she once thought could be her friends long ago. She could see that things hadn't been easy for them, could sense it. She had decided to come and help, knowing it was the right decision. She had information that they needed. And they needed her…Buffy needed her. This was what she did, she had to help, no questions asked.But she didn't know how they would react to her. Not to mention the anxiety she felt for coming back.

The others looked around at each other, attentively sitting back down. Giles looked at her, guilt bubbling up inside him. He felt guilt towards having her innocence be taken away from her and felt a little responsible for it. Buffy glared at Wesley, wanting nothing more then to turn around…but didn't trust the other watcher.

"Buffy?" came the voice that she had found herself deeply missing these past few months, "I'm sure Wesley will use his arms properly if you let him go."

Faith was trying to calm everyone down. She glanced at Giles, who tried to give a supporting half understanding smile, as she looked over at Buffy.

"Will you behave yourself?" Buffy asked, staring at the watcher. Wesley merely nodded furiously and she let go of him, briefly glancing over at Giles who had picked up the crossbow and set it away from him.

Faith looked over at Buffy as she turned, briefly making eye contact with her. It was only a second, but Faith could see it. Could see the pain and guilt…and she quickly looked away. She couldn't do it, couldn't look at her. She told herself she would be fine, coming back and seeing them, yet she couldn't even look at her…

Buffy felt like her insides were being twisted. Her heart pounded so loudly, she thought everyone could hear it. She felt her chest tighten in pain when Faith looked away from her, avoiding her gaze. She wanted nothing more then to say something do something…but what? What could she say? What could she do?

"Sorry to break this little silent moment we seem to be having but…why are you here?" Cordelia asked, looking over at Faith, still leery of her.

"The box. The box of Gavrock. That's why I'm here. I know what's going on" Faith stated.

_TBC_...

----------------------------------------------------------

**Author Notes:**_ I know that a lot of you have questions probably...  
What really happend to Spike? Where did Angel go? What really happend while Faith was away? Where did Faith go? etc...  
All will come in time, just you wait, lol. Sorry that this chapter cuts off abruptly. I will post again once I am able to. I have decided to develop this story more then I was going to, thanks to the reviews. I was originally going to end this sooner. But now I got some major re working to do, since I will basically be rewriting the end of Season 3.   
Again, I am sorry about the lack of updaing. No one likes a story going for too long before being updated, I feel ya. But with school, running 2 websites, among other things, I have been busy. But I have not forgotten about you guys. You have all driven me to continue this story further. So thank you for the reviews. I do this for you guys. So I will update as soon as I can. I got my Birthday next week so with that in the mix, it might be another long while before another update, just a forewarning, lol. As always, let me know what you think, your ideas, etc...  
I hope you guys enjoyed the update :)_

**Sakura cc**- hmmm, Kennedy huh? Now there is an idea...lol. And yes, Faith owns, lol.  
**fai925** - wow, what can I say? You really boosted my efforts at writing. Thanks again for your kind words and for letting me know that you like my stories :)  
**checkeredvans82** - ah, to thee who has me addicted to their fic, lol. Here is the answer to your question, it was Dru that sired Faith. She wanted Faith to be turned. That was the irony of Faith dusting her back when they brought her to the scoobs, and in what Spike said to her. I thought the effect of the whole thing worked better that way...if that answer makes sense, lol. And about Spike? Well...you will see, lol.  
**Everyone else:** I read each and everyone of your reviews, thank you for each and everyone :)  
_  
_


	8. Chapter 8: Laying it Out

**Disclaimer: **remember, I don't own Buffy or any of that jazz….just enjoy the story, lol.  
**Author Notes:** Thanks for the reviews guys!  
I don't really have a beta, do to time, and I do the best I can in going over my fics before posting them, so if there are mistakes, all I can say is, opps._  
Sorry I had writers block and was busy with school. Hope you enjoy the new chapter!__  
Alright, it has been a few months since we last saw Faith squaring off with Spike, and now she is back in Sunnydale…_

**Lost Inside**

_Chapter 8: Laying it Out_

Silence. Uncomfortable silence filled the room as Faith stopped talking. It was worse then they thought. From what Faith had told them, come Ascension Day, they were all in real trouble.

"Great. We've all been living in a town that is nothing other then a demon buffet," Cordelia states, crossing her arms. Xander rolled his eyes.

"Pretty much. He built this city for demons to feed upon," Faith reaffirmed. Giles sighed as he shut his eyes briefly, rubbing his temples. When he opened them again, Faith was looking at him sympathetically, not wanting to be the barer of bad news.

"What are we going to do?" Willow asked, looking down at the book cover in front of her.

"I'm still working on it. I got a few more contacts and things to check up on to see if I can find anything," Faith supplied, trying to be positive.

"I'm sorry, but how do we know we can trust you?" Cordelia asked. Giles frowned at her. "What? All I am saying is that we haven't really had the best track record when it comes to vampires as friends," Cordelia stated crossing her arms.

Buffy opened her mouth to retort when Faith beat her to it, "Look, you don't. You don't know you can trust me. But I am here to help and that's…"

"No. I'm sorry, but I second Cordelia on this one. How do we know that you're not setting us up?" Xander asked.

"Finally he grows a brain," Cordelia muttered. Willow looked around her with a worried expression as Xander, upon hearing Cordelia's comment, glared at her and opened his mouth to comment.

"I think we should contact the council…" Wesley spoke up.

"Wesley, shut up," Giles stated sternly as he glared at the other watcher, quickly silencing him. He then quickly grabbed a near by book, suddenly remembering something.

"Look, we don't know if you…" Xander started to say, turning his attention back to Faith, who was now getting rather frustrated and annoyed.

"Do you honestly really think I want to be here?" she asked angrily, and everyone went silent. "Do you think I want to be here around all of you? Do you even know…" Faith trailed off for a moment closing her eyes briefly to relax herself, knowing she couldn't show them anything, couldn't show them how it affected her. She was better then this and had trained herself to keep her emotions in check. Now was not the time to let them slip. Once she quickly calmed herself, she opened her mouth to continue but was cut off by Buffy.

"Are you serious?" Buffy asked, glaring at Xander, "It doesn't matter what you think Xander and frankly, I think you are a little out of line here. Faith has no reason to plot against us and I honestly think…"

"That's because you feel guilty," Xander retorted, interrupting her.

"Uh…guys?" Willow tried to intercede feeling a little uncomfortable with all the fighting and not understanding why Giles wasn't stopping it.

"Excuse me?" Buffy asked, not believing what he just said. Xander opened his mouth to reply when Giles briskly walked over to the table throwing an open book in front of Xander, causing him to look up at him in confusion.

"Giles, what…" Xander started to comment as Faith looked at the book Giles had put on the table, recognizing it.

"The Mehrenshtadt text. It didn't dawn on me till a few moments ago and I recalled something within the text…" Giles explained.

"Ooooooh!" Willow suddenly stated, jerking up straighter in her chair and causing everyone to look at her, "That's right! It mentions the Ascension in the section on genocide. Apparently, the town of Sharpsville was wiped out during Ascension on May 27, 1723."

Everyone stared at her as Giles frowned. Faith smiled, crossing her arms a little bit as she leaned against the counter, "Way to go Willow, the girl who can out Drew Nancy Drew."

Everyone was silent for a moment before Cordelia spoke up, "How the hell did you know that? We could have stopped all this researching long ago!"

Willow had looked around her quickly before looking up at Giles sheepishly. "I would rather like to know myself, since I keep that book hidden," Giles stated giving her a disapproving look.

"Uh…it fell?" the redhead guiltily replied. Faith chuckled at the whole situation, suddenly finding it slightly amusing. Sure she felt like someone shoved her in the middle of a lion's den, but it didn't mean she wasn't allowed to find the humor in it all. Buffy looked over at her briefly before looking back at Willow.

"Still doesn't answer my question," Cordelia stated, becoming frustrated and tired.

"Well I didn't know what it meant, and I forgot about it. But just like Giles, I remember a reference in the last journal entry of Desmond Kane, who was the pastor of Sharpsville, that mentioned it," Willow explained pausing before looking back at Giles with a guilty expression, "Sorry."

Giles sighed and ignored it for now. "So Faith is telling the truth," Buffy stated loudly, making a point to look at Xander who hung his head a little, his shoulders slumping slightly.

"Look, I'm sorry, I…I just…" Xander started to mumble in a low voice.

"Nah, it's cool Xander. I mean it, don't worry about it," Faith replied, understanding how he was using her as a venting source. She could still very much feel all the tension between them all, as if they were all about to snap. It didn't mean it was ok to talk to her like that, but she understood and fighting wasn't going to get them anywhere. So she let it go. Xander looked up at her briefly, giving her an awkward half apologetic smile before looking away.

"So it all makes sense, I just wish there was a way to find out more about the Ascension," Willow mused, trying to think.

"Well, I'm still seeing what I can find out, and hopefully, we will be able to come up with a plan of action," Faith supplied, "But I wish we could get that box back. Maybe the Mayor hasn't opened it yet?" Giles gave her a doubtful look as he walked back behind the counter. Faith merely shrugged, "Well, it's worth a shot."

Buffy was about to comment when Oz spoke up, "Hey, what about Anya?" Faith looked at him confused. Who was Anya?

"Oh! That's right! She might know something about the Ascension! Great idea Oz!" Willow said excitedly. He lightly smiled as the redhead looked at him.

"That's great, but I'm out of here. It's late, and I have better things to do," Cordelia stated rising from her chair and gathering her things. Xander bit back a comment and Faith looked at them all with a raised eyebrow. She knew a little of what has happened in Sunnydale while she had been gone, but obviously she didn't know everything. It seemed like things got a little awkward at the mention of this Anya person.

"You're quite right, it's probably a wise idea for all of us to go home and get some rest and meet again tomorrow," Giles stated, looking a little tired himself.

"Just don't expect me to come," Cordelia muttered moving around her chair and making her way out of the library. She might be able to fool the rest of them, but Faith could call her bluff. She might act like a total clueless bitch, but deep down, she was dealing with pain of her own. Faith knew all about that. Sure Cordelia might not be the greatest person, she had her flaws, just like anyone else, but she was also human. And more then anything, Faith felt bad for the girl.

"I can talk to Anya tomorrow, see if she knows anything," Xander offered, rising from his seat and grabbing his back pack.

"That would probably be a good idea," Giles responded, leaning his arms on top of the counter, momentarily taking his glasses off to rub his eyes. Xander nodded and turned to Willow and Oz, "You guys ready?"

Willow nodded her head. "I'll see what else I can find on the internet tomorrow, see if we can find anything else more," Willow stated as she, Xander, and Oz made their way towards the counter where Faith and Buffy still stood, a few feet away from each other. The redhead paused awkwardly in font of Faith, "Uh, I guess we will see you around?" Willow asked awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. Faith nodded her head in response and the redhead offered what she hoped to be a friendly smile, as she felt very uncomfortable at the moment. Xander, who was besides her, seemed to be looking everywhere but at Faith.

"You coming with us Buffy?" Willow asked, looking over at her. The blond looked up at her, fidgeting lightly with her hands and she quickly glanced over at Faith.

"Uh…no. I think I'm going to go ahead and patrol," she replied, looking apologetically at her friend. Willow nodded.

"Ok, well we will see you tomorrow then," she stated, looking once more at Faith before making her way towards the doors.

"Yeah, see you later Buff," Xander stated as he passed her.

"Later guys," Buffy replied. Oz, walking to follow, looked over at Faith, nodding his head in acknowledge.

"Nice to have you back," he commented, seeing her nod respectively back at him, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, before he continued nodding at Buffy as he followed the others out of the Library.

Giles continued to rearrange the books that were around him as the others left. Wesley stood close by, observing the exchange that just took place and the odd behavior that Buffy seemed to be displaying. Buffy shifted her feet a little as she looked up at Faith.

"I guess, I should, uh, patrol some…being that there are vampires…and uh, I mean…"

Faith watched her, raising her eyebrows slightly as the blond seemed to momentarily frown at herself. "Yeah, good luck with that," she stated in reply in order to stop the current babble that she was sure was about to spew out of the other slayer's mouth. Buffy stopped and glanced at her with a quick look of hurt and disappointment that she quickly tried to hide.

"Uh, yeah, I guess…I better go," Buffy stated as she turned away from her, "Glad to have you back. I'm…glad that you are here."

She had said the last part softly, turning slightly to speak over her shoulder as she said it, still not meeting Faith's eyes, as she began to walk away. Faith sighed and ran a hand through her hair. This wasn't easy, it never was. And as much as she wanted to stay away from Buffy, she wanted to be near her. And she couldn't help but think how screwed up that was, how she was. And not to mention how the simple look of hurt that came across the other slayer's face, had in turn, pained her.

"Buffy," Faith called out, causing the other girl to stop and turn around slightly. Faith gave her what she hoped was a small reassuring smile, "Why don't you wait for me outside and I will go with you?"

The soft smile that graced the blonde's face made her chest tighten slightly, and she couldn't help but think how beautiful she was and how much she was totally screwed for coming back.

"Ok."

The blonde nodded slightly as she lightly smiled again before heading out the library doors. Faith briefly looked over at Giles who was finishing up putting away the rest of his books before looking over at Wesley. She stared at him for a moment before speaking.

"Look, I'm only here to help, regardless what you may think…"

"You're nothing more then a demon..."

What happened next happened so fast, Giles barely had the time to turn around when Faith had Wesley pinned against the wall, holding him up by the collar of his shirt, clenching her jaw with a look of anger across her face. The watcher had a look of pure fear upon his face as he looked over at Giles, who had crossed his arms.

"Help…"

"You're an idiot," Giles merely stated, interrupting him as he looked at him. He knew better, and the other uptight Britain needed to learn to think before he opened his mouth.

"I'm only going to tell you this once," Faith said slowly, making Wesley look at her, "I'm not here to do whatever it is in your stupid pea sized brain that you think I am. I don't even want to be here. And in all honesty, you are one of the reasons why I am this way. You're a frailer Wesley. Some watcher you were. You think I like being this way? Do you think I liked being tortured, used, abused, and knowing, just knowing, you were off drinking tea without a care in the world? You let me down. I was there for three days Wesley. Three days. Where were you?"

Faith spat out the words, anger flowing through her that she let loose in the form of words towards the watcher. He needed to get it, he needed to understand. And the only way to do that was to knock him off of that stupid pedestal that he thought he was on.

Giles grimaced lightly at her words, getting their meaning, even though she hadn't directed them at him. He knew what she was doing, and he knew Wesley had it a long time coming, but it reminded him that he was also responsible. That he had also played a role in her demise, that he was a watcher too and that he should have done a better job. The guilt ate at him. It has since the day Buffy brought Angel through those library doors several months ago.

"So don't you dare go all high and mighty on me. Like you're better then me, like you know me or who I am. You don't and you never did. And I personally want to thank you for sending the council's men after me."

That caused Giles to look at the other watcher. He knew what the council could be capable of, and had no doubt in his mind what measures they went through to get to Faith.

"Do you know what they did Wesley? Huh? Nah, you probably didn't care. After all, I was just a demon right? A demon you helped make. I had no idea that the council liked to go after people with helicopters and big guns, shooting anyone who gets in the way. I mean, they went all out. They were about to shoot a poor innocent girl who got in the cross fire if I didn't stopped to protect her. Nearly lost my arm."

Wesley body slumped slightly, not wanting to meet Faith's eyes, but every time he looked away, she shook him by his collar forcing him to look at her.

"You are no better then the rest of us. No one here gives a shit about whatever good crap you did in Britain to be a watcher and to get to where you are now. Honestly, I even wonder if they sent you to get you killed. If you haven't noticed, no body here likes you. And you obviously don't know what the council is actually capable of. You're a pawn, replaceable. A toy for the council that they have fun playing with, don't you get it? Daddy isn't here to please Wesley."

That last sentence was said softly, and Wesley's eyes bore into Faith's. She could see him struggling internally. And she actually pitied him.

That wasn't fun, being chased by the council. And it was unbelievable, the measures they took to get to her. And that little girl had almost paid the price. She just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Gunfire was everywhere, hitting everything and the girl's mother took cover by instinct, shielding herself as shattered glass rained down everywhere from the gunfire.

Faith had tired to stay in the alley's when they came after her, but had no choice when she had to go into the main street, thinking maybe they would back off. But to her surprise, they kept going for her, everyone on the street taking cover, glass shattering everywhere. And that little girl, confused, scared and helpless, stood right in the middle of the sidewalk. Faith couldn't let any of these innocents come to harm because of her. She immediately threw herself over the girl as gunfire hit her in the shoulder and arm. She yelped in pain as the mother, who was only but a few feet away, cowering in the doorway of a store, screamed.

The little girl was crying and Faith grunted in pain as she got up and covered the girl as she ran over to her mother "She's ok, get her out of here!"

And the lady looked at her in thanks, not missing the limp arm and the blood that now seemed to run down her arm as she scooped up her child, sobbing a thank you as she ran into the store for safer coverage. That was not a pretty night, and she barely made it.

Faith was pulled back to the present by the watcher's soft voice, "I…don't, I mean I…"

Wesley had trailed off as Faith spoke again.

"This isn't homeland. This is life, here, where we are. Not everything is prim and proper like you might like it to be. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, someone will be disappointed; someone will be there to put you down. It's about time you stop being daddy's boy and grow a pair. I know you don't like me, or trust me. That's understandable, and I respect that. But you need my help, and believe it or not, that is what I am here for. I've made mistakes, bad decisions, we all have. No one is perfect, but hell if I'm not going to try to make up for all of that, and try to make the best out of what I can. So that is why I'm here, because believe it or not, I care and want to help. That's it. But I swear Wesley, if you go tattling to big ol daddy or the council, I will kill you. Do you understand?"

Wesley just looked at her, trying not to show how he was feeling. "Yes," he rasped in reply, and Faith immediately let go of him, dropping him to the floor.

"Just so we're clear on that. Then we should all get along just fine," Faith stated as she took a few steps away from him, turning and making her way around the counter till she paused on the other side of it. Giles stood there, looking at her, a look of guilt on his face.

"Faith…"

"No Giles," Faith replied as she looked at him, lowering her voice a little, "Don't…don't blame yourself. What happened, happened. There was nothing to do, nothing to stop it, change it, whatever. It happened. No one could have known what was going to happen…"

"But, I should have, we should have…"

"It's in the past now Giles," Faith said looking at him sadly, "Just…let it go."

Giles watched her as Faith paused a moment more before taking a few steps. "I'll see what other information I can gather, I'll be in touch," she stated as she nodded at him, heading for the exit. He just stared after her, amazed by how much she seemed to have changed.

"Faith?"

She stopped, turning around to face him.

"The coat looks better on you." Faith's face fell at the comment, briefly looking at the ground. "And no matter what you may think, I personally thank you for taking care of its owner."

It was said briefly, a passing of respect, of thanks. It was a bridge of common ground, of understanding, one that was voiced without words. The brunette slowly looked back up at him nodding.

"Thank you. And I promise you…I'll prove myself, try to make amends, and show that I have changed. If it takes me forever, I'll do it."

And with that, she turned around and made her way to the exit.

"You already have," Giles muttered as he watched her go.

Faith exited the library looking thoughtful. She knew Giles meant well mentioning her coat, Spike's coat, and knew what he was saying but it also meant that he possibly knew. Possibly knew how crazed she was that night …and it made her feel ashamed. Ashamed of how out of control she was, killing all those demons, vampires, any demonic thing that got in her way in her path of grief and destruction…

She briefly shook her head, shaking away the thoughts as she lightly smiled upon hearing a faint _"Get up you pounce"_ come from the library as she walked away from it.

She felt bad about the things she had said to Wesley, but knew it was needed. The watcher was waiting trouble, and she couldn't have him messing everything up. She knew a lot more now about his background then when she did when she was last in Sunnydale, and she felt guilty for talking to him the way that she did, but hopefully, he would learn and would not pose to be a problem later. All she could do now was to wait and see.

One thing she had done in the past few months was read. It was all she really could do during the day time. She didn't sleep much, and read to pass her time. She focused herself on learning the things that she had neglected when she was a slayer. And she had learned a lot; knowledge that she was quite sure would help her later down the road.

She paused as she turned the corner, standing out in the main hall that led to the front of the school. She lightly smiled as she could see the blonde who was obviously anxious, waiting for her. She liked being able to see her like this, not knowing she was being watched, no awkwardness. Faith ran a hand through her hair as she sighed; wondering if offering to patrol with the other girl was even a good idea. But it didn't matter now. All she could do was hope that her coming back was a good thing, and that nothing would happen that would make her regret her choice. But inside, she knew that regardless, she was needed and that coming back to Sunnydale, facing them all, was worth it. With these thoughts in mind, Faith continued foreword and pushed open the front doors, lightly smiling as she approached Buffy.

_TBC... _

* * *

_Now I could technically leave it there, lol, but I am not going to. This will be the last fic before I get cranking on that long fic I have been attempting to write. Anyway, sorry about the long time it has taken me to update. I had writers block and just trying to come up with how I want this story to go. I got to say, I about fell over when I saw that this story got 3,000 hits! So I take it you like it and want it to be developed more. So, I have been really busy but I am trying the best I can to get this written :) So I hope you liked the update. More will be filled in, information wise, so just hang tight!_

**Sakura cc - **_lmao, your review made me laugh. So thanks, but as far as Kennedy is concerned, I don't think I am going to have her make an apperance, but rather she will be mentioned, lol. You'll see. But thanks for your review._

**Just Me** - _exactly. That is what makes everything so awkward. Faith can't look at her, yet can't help but have a thing for her and it confuses and upsets her. And with Buffy, she has bad bad guilt obviously, and everything is just heading down for her. You will see that get developed more as the story goes. I am glad you picked up on that. Hopefully I don't do a bang up job explaining it all, lol. _

**Raziel Tepes** - _you reviewed on my birthday! lol. Yeah sorry about the lag in updating! But I Am glad you like the story!_

**gina1982, ful-of-faith, CBscifiJUNKY, Gina1982** - _I just wanted to thank you for your reviews. I don't get too many but the ones I do get from you guys helps :) and inspires me, so thanks. :) _


	9. Chapter 9: Brewing Storm

**Disclaimer: **remember, I don't own Buffy or any of that jazz….just enjoy the story, lol.  
**Author Notes:**Thanks for the reviews guys! I can't believe people actually really like this, I'm rather surprised! Can't make comments or replies now but will try to do so with your reviews. Sorry about the wait. I have finals now and massive writers block on how to carry this on. And I hope this new chapter explains a little bit more on Faith when she was away from Sunnydale. Again, sorry about the wait and thank you again to those that feedbacked and PMed me, you do motivate me :)

Remember that _italics_ mostly mean flashback sequences...

**Lost Inside**

_Chapter 9: Brewing Storm_

Buffy and Faith silently walked through the cemetery. The brunette could see the blonde's internal struggle on what to say, to rid of the uncomfortable silence. On several occasions, Buffy had opened and closed her mouth, wanting to say something, only to hesitate.

Faith sighed as she put her hands in her pockets, briefly looking over at the other slayer. Buffy shook her head, mad at herself for not being able to come up with anything to say that didn't remotely sound stupid. She was glad that Faith was here, with her, but didn't know what to say to her…didn't know how to say the things she wanted to. She was confused, with all that has happened within the past few months, she wasn't sure she could fix things…could fix this odd unspoken wall that had formed itself between them.

"Could you really read people's minds?" Faith suddenly asked, interrupting her thoughts. The blonde looked over at her in confusion. The brunette lightly smiled, seeing her confused look, then seeing it change to one of realization.

"Oh! You mean when I was infected by the demon?" she asked, finally realizing what Faith was referring to.

"Yeah, had to have been freaky," the brunette replied, looking back in front of her as she walked.

"Yeah, I mean, at first, it was kind of cool…then not so much," Buffy said as they walked along.

"Heard about that. Sorry that I wasn't there to help," Faith mumbled, feeling a pang of guilt. She heard it had been bad, that it could have driven her mad…

"What? Oh, no Faith," Buffy said, stopping and grabbing the other girl's arm, "It just happened, it wasn't…I mean…"

Buffy looked away from her. Those brown eyes…the same brown eyes that pleaded with her, in this same cemetery, months ago…just pierced through her. And it was her fault that she had left, her fault for hurting her, her fault for not believing her…

"Angel was there, it all came out ok," she replied lightly, looking back up at the other girl. Faith gave her a weak smile, not knowing what else to do or say.

Buffy felt lost suddenly. Realizing she still had a hold of her arm, she let go, dropping her hand to her side before looking out across the cemetery. "It was a little intense, hearing everyone's thoughts…" she stated before looking back at the brunette.

"I could imagine," Faith replied with a nod, as she continued to walk, "Good thing Angel was able to bag the demon, get you cured."

Buffy walked along next to her, just glad that there wasn't an uncomfortable silence anymore. "Yeah," she replied, "Only now, if it were to happen again, I wouldn't have him to rely on."

The last part was mumbled, not really meant to be heard, was spoken more to herself then to Faith, but the brunette heard it. Could hear the twinge of sadness that went with it, and it made her angry, made her remember the conversation she had with Angel about it.

"Yeah…we argued about that," she stated bitterly, recalling the memory.

"What?" Buffy asked, not sure if she heard right and not quite understanding what Faith was referring to. The brunette sighed as they walked, pausing a moment before replying.

"Angel passed through LA when he left. I was glad to see the guy, but when I learned what he was doing…that he left you, left Sunnydale…we had a disagreement."

Buffy was silent as she stopped walking, causing Faith to turn around. "Why?" she asked, looking the brunette in the eyes.

There was a moment of silence as the two stared at each other. Buffy looked vulnerable and lost at the moment and it both pained and angered Faith to see her that way. It all hurt and tore her up inside. Being back, seeing Buffy, dealing with what she was, facing everyone…it never stopped. It never seemed to stop for her, no matter what she did. The feelings she tried so hard to push away were creeping back, haunting her, paining her. And with them came the memories…the hurt…everything. And she couldn't help but think that maybe she deserved this.

Faith looked away, at the ground, momentarily lost. She would never let it show, would never let Buffy see the kind of pain she was still in. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wanted to hate her, hate her for all the pain she had caused her, for the misery she felt. She wanted to blame her, wanted to scream and yell and strike out at her…But try as she may, she couldn't. Maybe it would be easier if she could. She didn't want to care, didn't want to have these feelings…

But she did, and more then anything…she was disgusted with herself. Disgusted and confused. It hurt her to know the blonde was hurting, yet it angered her for even caring in the first place.

She looked back up at Buffy, saw the way she looked at her, waiting, and sighed. "It wasn't fair to you Buffy. You're in the middle of all of this," she said, gesturing with her hands, "You're about to graduate, you're dealing with your life, things were changing, and you needed someone. Everyone needs someone. And you needed him."

She was trying to say it right, honestly, as best as she could. And without revealing too much about herself, what she really thought, in the process. "Not only as someone to talk to, rely on, but to help you. Help you with all the monsters out there," she said as she gestured across the graveyard, "And in here," she added, pointing to her heart.

Buffy was silent, her eyes bearing right into Faith's. It was almost too intense, but the brunette continued, feeling that she needed to hear this. Even though Buffy never really opened up to her in the past, maybe she could learn that she could. Faith discovered a lot of things about herself since everything had happened, since she left Sunnydale. And she had grown to learn more about the world and life around her. It was hard to say these things to the blonde for she didn't want to care, didn't want to be honest…but she couldn't help but want to be there for her, to help her understand…and that care, over everything else, won.

"He understood you in ways that the others couldn't. What you had with him? It was different, it was a comfort, knowing that he was something you could fall back on. That when the world went and changed on you, that he would be there. I know he left to find information, to help find out what's going on, that he would eventually come back and all that stuff. But I disagreed with him," she said as she finally looked away for a moment, looking around the graveyard that surrounded them.

It was getting hard, because in a way, she felt vulnerable in what she was saying. Buffy was that person to her…was what she desperately wanted when she first came to Sunnydale…and it hurt. She knew it hurt. She knew Buffy was probably going through things, and Faith knew how it felt to feel alone. The blonde had her friends, sure, but sometimes…there is just one person that makes everything so much easier…bearable. Everyone relates to one another differently. And Faith felt that Angel was that person for Buffy. In a small way, he was that for Faith, but on a different level. He helped her through some dark times and made things a little more bearable. She only hoped she was making sense to the blonde.

"No one likes to be alone. Even though you might be surrounded by many people, some that you're friends with, even best friends with, you can still feel alone. And I felt that it was wrong for him to leave you here, regardless of what good he is doing," she said as she looked back at her, "No one likes to feel abandoned."

They just looked at each other, and Faith looked away again. Maybe she said too much. Buffy just looked at her with this expression on her face that she couldn't quite place…and she didn't think she wanted to, not wanting to care.

The blonde opened her mouth but was interrupted as something slammed into her side. They weren't alone anymore…

_Flashback, a few months ago…_

Faith hung her head, not meeting Angel's eyes as she took the mug from him. _"Thanks,"_ she barely mumbled, cradling the mug that was given to her as he sat down next to her.

_"I like what you've done with the place,"_ Angel stated, indicating the room around them. They were in the basement within an abandoned building. Faith had made it her home since she arrived in LA. It wasn't too run down, still had electricity and running water, and it kept the sunlight out.

Besides some stolen items, there wasn't anything personal reflected in the room. Upon seeing the brunette's eyes earlier, seeing how hollow and lifeless they were, He wasn't surprised. The sight that he had witnessed earlier disturbed him. He had finally found her, but couldn't help but wonder if he could still reach her.

He had been tracking her the past two days. After leaving Sunnydale a few days prior, he had picked up a few leads as to the other slayer's where-a-bouts. Before he continued on with what he had set out to do, he had to find her. He only hoped that it wasn't too late, that he didn't make a mistake in choosing not to leave to find her sooner.

Things had gotten complicated in Sunnydale, and they were all running in circles. Besides what was happening in Sunnydale, Angel was worried about her. He knew all too well how it was when he had gotten his soul back. He had to leave, find her, and then take care of the matter at hand. He didn't want to leave Buffy behind, and felt bad about it, but matters of graver importance were taking place, and he couldn't sit there and do nothing about it.

Faith wasn't doing well, and that was putting it lightly. She withdrew into herself, lost herself in the slaying that she did mange to do, was reckless, more violent, and drank heavily. She avoided any and all social contact that was presented to her. He knew that underneath all the pain and self hate the brunette was feeling, was a storm ready to burst.

She had dusted two vampires that night in the back ally to the bar she frequented. An innocent human girl threw herself at her in thanks, having just been scared out of her mind. The brunette had reacted by pinning the girl against the wall, trying with all that was inside her not to give into the hunger that the demon inside of her wanted so badly.

She hadn't uttered a word since they entered her home, lost in the own recesses of her mind. Angel studied her, watching as she slowly brought the mug to her lips, only to bring it back down, placing it in front of her.

_"Faith…"_ Angel sighed, as the brunette looked out in front of her.

_"I could have killed her…"_ she uttered, void of emotion.

_"But you didn't,"_ Angel replied. Faith turned and looked at him, eyes empty. Just like earlier when she had shoved the girl away from her, barking at her to go home. The brunette had stood stock till as the girl ran down the ally. When she had turned around, their eyes had met and the life that used to burn within their depths was gone, extinguished, leaving the person that now sat before him.

_"It doesn't matter. There were others…"_ she whispered, looking back in front of her. Angel closed his eyes, hoping that the brunette hadn't been driven as far as to take any lives.

_"You've been starving yourself, haven't you?"_ He asked, turning to her. She made no reply. _"If you void yourself of blood, the vampire in you takes control. It leaves you with no reason, only blind hunger. A hunger that no matter how hard you try to push away, consumes you, becomes you." _

Faith only sat there, looking in front of her. _"How many?" _He asked, wondering just how far gone she was. He had an idea how she felt, what she was going through. He only hoped he could reach her, that she could be reached, that there was still time left.

The brunette slowly turned to him, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. _"Two,"_ she stated, looking at him, _"And not a day goes by when I don't see them in my dreams, feel the guilt…everything."_

The tears, the pain that threatened to break free from the brunette, stayed in her eyes. He could tell how she was holding it all in, about to break, which meant not all was lost, that there was still hope.

_"I try to stay away…I tried to…"_ Faith stated, hesitating before a flush of anger suddenly came over her as she jumped up and took the mug of blood that sat in front of her and hurled it across the room, causing it to shatter against the wall.

_"Faith!"_ Angel yelled as he jumped up and grabbed her arm. She shoved him away from her, her eyes ablaze with such pain and anger. Emotion flared in them that he could see for the first time that night.

_"Why!"_ she yelled as she advanced and back handed him. _"Why me!"_

Angel just barely turned back to her when she kicked him across the room. _"I hate this!"_ she yelled as she approached him again, picking him up by the front of his coat. She was fast, and Angel barely had time to register what was happening as he was slammed against the wall. Faith glared at him, tears streaming down her face.

_"All there is, is all this pain…and hate, and nothing makes sense. I hate what I am, I hate what I have become, I hate everything. And I've tried to forget, tried to make it go away…but I can't!"_ she choked out, releasing him from the wall as she turned away from him.

_"I was so hungry…I couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to drink it. Slowly I became aware of everything around me. How many people there were, their heart beats, the way they breathed, everything…and I felt like I was slowly going mad. I only came out to slay, do my job, whatever that is, and try to wash the pain away…"_ Faith stated as she came to a stop, her back still turned, _"But there was one night…one night when I came across two vampires feeding off of two girls. I dusted the one before he barely got his teeth in too deep, but the other one already started to feed…I could see the blood…could smell it off the unconscious body as I stood there, the dust I didn't even know I caused settling around me. I didn't even realize the one victim had approached me until…until I was already feeding from her. It was like I wasn't even there…there was just this impulse, this need, this total savage hunger that makes me sick…and I, and I fed from the other one too…"_

Faith finally turned and faced him. _"I've tried to forget, tried to drink it away, tried to be good, tried…"_ she stated as tears started to run down her cheeks. The storm that had been brewing in her had broken through. Yet she still seemed to attempt to hold it in. They stood silently for a moment, staring at each other before Faith stepped toward him and spoke again.

_"And that is why you have to kill me…so I can't hurt anyone else,"_ She pleaded as she reached into her coat and tossed a stake at his feet. _"Please."_

_Flashback to the present…_

Faith spun and punched the vampire that rushed her from behind. She should have sensed them before they attacked, but she wasn't paying attention. Delivering a round house kick to the other vampire in front of her, she checked to see how Buffy was doing. The blonde seemed to be managing her vampires fine, having just flipped one upon his back.

The brunette couldn't help but recall when Angel had fist come upon her in LA. She was ashamed to recall those memories, of how pathetic she was and of the wrong things she did then. She fell apart when she left Sunnydale, and slowly had stopped caring about anything. She got reckless in her fighting, even violent, torturing those who crossed her path to inflict some of the pain that had slowly begun to consume her. It didn't take long for word to spread about her, of the deeds she had done. Of things she was ashamed of now.

But with Angel's help, she was able to turn things around. She was still personally sorting things out, but she was back on the right path, where she felt she needed to be. There were plenty of bad things she did within her first few weeks in LA, things she couldn't bare to recall…both out of shame and pure disgust. She wasn't that person anymore. And she was stronger for it. Everyone makes mistakes, hit their low points, but Faith knew better now. There would be no more low points, she had had enough. And for the first time, she felt somewhat content. Not fully, or at peace really, but honestly felt like she was dong something right for once in her life.

As she staked the vampire that she had just kicked against a gravestone, she remembered one person that had witnessed her at her low point in LA…and who tried to befriend her even after seeing some of her faults…

She grunted as the other vampire she had knocked down earlier hit her from behind. She shook her thoughts away, not wanting to remember those that she had left behind in LA. Those that, in some bizarre way, became her friends. She never really had any friends, but in some way, whether she wanted it to happen or not, she had made a few. And it was now, thinking about them, that she felt guilty for leaving behind without so much as a goodbye. It just wasn't who she was. She wasn't meant to have friends. What she did, what she was doing, was meant to be done alone. She didn't need to drag anyone into it.

She wasn't really close to anyone, but it was still awkward and new to her. And Faith came to realize that when she got stuck on something or ran into a problem with what she was dealing with, they ended up being helpful. She liked doing things on her own, but often enough, as she hated to admit, she couldn't do everything. She couldn't help but think of Buffy and her friends, how they seemed to help the other slayer. But Faith didn't have the type of friendship they had. She couldn't…she didn't know how, and she held everyone away from her. She couldn't help it.

The brunette managed to stake her last vampire, turning towards Buffy as the blonde staked her last vampire. "They seem to come in packs, don't they?" Faith asked as the blonde stood up.

"More or less," she replied, brushing herself off.

"Figures," the brunette stated, walking further into the graveyard, not intending to resume their prior conversation. The blonde jogged and caught up to her, walking along beside her. They remained silent for a few moments before Faith felt Buffy lightly grasp her hand.

"Hey," she said, causing the brunette to stop, "Thanks."

Faith looked at her a moment, confused to her actions as Buffy lightly squeezed her hand before letting it go. "For what?" she asked.

The blonde looked at her a moment before speaking, "For what you said…and…for coming back," she said as she paused, seeming to hesitate a little bit before continuing again, "It means a lot to me. And I'm glad that you're here."

Faith started to feel a little uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. But Buffy, upon sensing this, merely turned and walked a few steps ahead before casually turning back to the confused brunette. "Now, if you can keep up with me, there might be a chance for some rib time afterwards," Buffy challenged, causing the brunette to blankly look at her a moment before the blonde grinned and ran ahead.

Faith stared after her before shaking her head, a smile creeping up to tug at the corner of her lips before she broke into a run after the other slayer.

_TBC..._


	10. Chapter 10: The Slayer Within

**Disclaimer: **remember, I don't own Buffy or any of that jazz….just enjoy the story, lol.

**Author Notes:** Wow, as always thanks for the reviews. So far they are what kept this story going. Now hopefully this chapter will shed some light on Faith's soul a little. I had some MAJOR writer's block. In fact, I deleted a full 2 pages I wrote in trying to write this. I liked this version much better. Anyway, I know it's short, but it's an update. Thank you all again for reading. I try to respond to every review I get :)

**Lost Inside**

_Chapter 10: The Slayer Within_

"So the Slayer part of you keeps your soul grounded?" Buffy asked as they exited their last cemetery.

Faith sighed. Patrol went pretty well. They ran into a few more vampires, there weren't too many but it wasn't a total bust. At least the tension wasn't as bad as when they started out, but they still felt it. It was always there, threatening to creep up on them.

She was still uneasy. They still hadn't spoken very much to each other, but she was just explaining how she still had a soul. It made her a little uncomfortable, but in a bout of uneasy silence, Buffy had asked about it. She knew the other slayer was curious; she too was rather frustrated on the matter. She wasn't totally certain on why she still had her soul, but had a pretty good idea about it.

Before Angel had come to LA, Faith ran into somebody. Somebody named Whistler…

_Flashback…_

Faith breathed out heavily, blowing the hair that managed to fall, out of her face. She rose slowly as she brushed the vampire dust that had settled off of herself.

_"I guess you can take the girl out of the slayer, but you can't take the slayer out of the girl." _

The brunette, a little startled, turned to find a man not too far away standing halfway in the shadows.

"_Who the hell are you?"_

"_I think the real question is,_ _who_ _are you?"_ the man asked, stepping fully out of the shadows.

"_Obviously you already know, or you wouldn't be playing this game with me. So why don't you tell me who you are and what you want so we can get this over with. Bore me and I will break your neck,"_ Faith replied rather annoyed. She didn't like games.

"_Why, aren't we the violent type? Would you really kill an innocent like myself? Or maybe you already have,"_ the man stated as he drew a cigarette.

"_You aren't human."_

"_Clever girl. Demon, but not the kind that is hell bent on destroying the world if you know what I mean,"_ he replied, taking out a zeppo and lighting his cigarette.

"_So I repeat my question…"_

"_The Powers That Be sent me. I'm a…messenger…if you will. The name's Whistler." _

Faith stared at him a moment. _"I'm not interested,"_ she replied as she turned her back and started to walk away.

"_I know you've been dealt some bad cards Faith,"_ Whistler called out to her, causing her to stop, _"But honestly, you're very important to this world. What you do, what you decide can make a big difference…"_

"_Now that's an understatement if I've ever heard one,"_ the brunette bit back as she turned around and stalked towards him, _"I've been dealt too many bad cards if you ask me, more like a life time of them. All The Powers have done is screw up my life for all I am concerned. So I am not interested in anything they might want or have to say."_

Whistler looked at her sadly_. "I understand that, but they need you. They need you on their side,"_ he stated as Faith turned her head away from him. _"Look, I know it's tough, that it's not fair, I understand all of that. But use it. Use it to be stronger. Depending on what you decide to do, there will be difficult times ahead. You should know that the world is never easy. There has always been a balance. A balance of good and evil. You are the link between the two. Your soul keeps you grounded, the slayer in you keeps you grounded."_

The brunette looked at him, not too sure wither or not to believe him. _"Is that how I am this way? That I was able to keep my soul?"_

"_There is good in you. You represent the very thing that was created to shed light upon the dark. It's always about balance, about good verses evil, dark verses light. All that has happened, everything you went through, has prepared you for this moment, aided in training you to be who you are. But it's up to you as far as what you choose to do. What path you choose to take, who you choose to be. I don't have all the answers for you. All I can do is point you in the right direction."_

Faith shook her head as she listened to him. _"I don't understand you."_

Whistler chuckled as he took a drag, _"Not many people do."_

The brunette sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. _"I don't understand any of this. What they want with me, why I should even care in the first place, how I am even standing here."_

"_But the fact of the matter is that you are. Everything about you, inside you, grounded the Slayer within you. No matter what you do, the __Slayer lies within the depths of your soul. You will always possess the essence of the Slayer. The demon within you couldn't fully dispose of that. You'll always be in a state of struggle, a state of conflict. The question is now, what will you do about it? What will you chose to do? You represent both worlds here, dark and light. Wither you realize it or not, you hold a key part. Quit asking yourself why, and instead ask, what now?"_

Faith looked at him, anger in her eyes. _"How can you just come here and tell me these things! I'm confused, don't know what to do, where to go, nothing! Nothing is how it used to be and you come along and make it even worse!"_

Whistler took another long drag from his cigarette before flicking the butt away. _"That's the luck of the draw kid. Like I said, I'm only a messenger, so don't be angry with me,"_ he replied as he took a few steps backwards.

"_Yeah, whatever,"_ the brunette mumbled, watching him.

"_Just think about it. You can't always control what happens around you, but you choose how you react to it. This world needs you, and wither you realize it or not, you need it too. We all make mistakes Faith. It doesn't make it ok, but there are ways for making up for them. The choice is yours."_

"_Why do you all have to talk in riddles and cryptic speech crap? It grows old,"_ Faith replied, annoyed and confused at his words.

"_Get used to it kid. All I can do is wish you luck. I trust that you'll make the right choice in the end,"_ Whistler replied as he continued to walk backwards, the shadows consuming him till he disappeared from the brunette's line of vision. She stood there for a few moments, staring, before finally looking away.

"_Fucking Powers,"_ she grumbled as she shook her head, turning in the opposite direction and continuing on her way as the shadows around her slowly closed in.

_End Flashback…_

"Faith?" the brunette was suddenly brought into the present by Buffy's voice, laced with concern.

"Sorry…uh…I'm not totally sure. It's complicated, but in the short version sort of way, yes," She replied, not too sure she even fully understood it herself. She knew there had to be more to it, but she quit thinking about it long ago. It didn't matter anyway. The damage had been done, and now she was what she was and she had to deal with it. It wasn't easy, but she had gotten this far, and she was determined to go farther.

"It might sound a little weird, but hey, it's the hellmouth," she shrugged, lightly smiling at the blonde, "that and it's the only logical answer I got."

Buffy returned the smile as they continued down the street towards her home. "It does make sense. But don't you ever think that there might be something more to it?"

Faith looked at the ground. She didn't think, she _knew_. Just as she knew that the same thing might not have happend if the roles were reversed, if Buffy was the one turned instead of her. But she didn't allow herself to think about it. She had spent so much time thinking about it, obsessing over it when she was first turned. Why me? How is it possible? Why now? What for? What was she supposed to do? So many questions had clouded her mind then, and it did her no good. But deep down inside she knew, knew the answer.

Whistler was right, it was about balance. And in their twisted game of good verses evil, Faith had some how became the wild card that now served as a pawn of the overall game to keep balance. But she refused to think about this, about what it might mean, to think about wither or not it might be true. It didn't matter. What mattered now was today, right now, and she had a job to do. And she believed in that. She had to…for what other reason did she have in this world?

She wouldn't think about that night. She wouldn't think about the pain, the whispered taunts, the hurtful words, the way she felt…

How her mind basically fractured with the mental, emotional, and physical abuse she had received...

How the processes of turning her some how aided in the process of her keeping her soul. She wouldn't do it…but it doesn't erase the fact that it happened. It did happen. But she wasn't going to let it control her. She was stronger then that. It was all part of being a slayer. She was just more in tune with the dark side of being a slayer now then she was before.

"Does it really matter? It's done me no good to dwell on it. It happened, end of story," she stated as they approached the front of Buffy's house.

Silence then proceeded the two as they made their way up to the front door. The blonde felt bad. She didn't mean to push, and now felt guilty for it. She didn't know how to fix things and she wished she knew. Faith, in some way, made her feel less alone in the world and right now, after all the things that have happened in her life, she couldn't help but need her. The brunette always somehow managed to cause her to feel something. She didn't fully understand it, or know what it was or what it meant, but it was comforting, and she wanted to have that feeling back again…but didn't know how…or if it was even possible…

"Sorry," she whispered as they stood at her door.

"Hey," Faith whispered, tilting the blonde's head up from under her chin, "It's ok. No damage done." She lightly smiled and Buffy half heartedly returned the gesture.

"You sure you don't want to come in? I'm sure I could…"

"Naw, it's cool. I'm fine. I got a few things I need to take care of before turning in for the night. Thanks though," the brunette interrupted. The blonde nodded.

"Ok…see you tomorrow then?" she asked, not knowing what else to say.

"You got it."

"Alright, goodnight then," she replied, feeling a little awkward as she slowly turned towards her door.

"Night Buffy," the brunette said as she walked backwards from her front porch "Oh and Buffy?" Faith asked causing the blonde to abruptly turn towards her, having slightly opened the door, "You still owe me ribs," she stated with a smile on her face.

The brunette was awarded when a smile graced the other slayer's face as she replied, "you can count on it."

The brunette smiled and turned to go about her way when Buffy suddenly called out to her causing her to turn back around. "And Faith? It's nice to have you back."

And with that, she smiled and the brunette watched as she quietly entered her house, closing the door softly behind her.

_TBC..._

_

* * *

P.s. I will update when I can :)  
__Oh, before I forget, there will be some crossover characters from other shows (like 2-3, no big deal) in later chapters. Oh don't worry, nothing tacky or weird, lol. Just wanted to warn you now before I forgot. Just who were Faith's "friends", or rather who she came across, when she was in LA?_  



	11. AUTHOR'S NOTE!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Holy Cow! It has been FOREVER! I think it's LAME to do Author notes but I think this story calls for one with so many followers. I want to apologize to everyone for leaving everyone hanging. Many things have come up in my life. I have now graduated college, moved to the other side of the country and now work full time in good ol LA. My work takes up ALL of my time. But I am on a little hiatus so I briefly came back to my story. I DO intend to _eventually_ complete this story. I wanted to reassure all of you. I was really surprised at how many people like this story. It was only meant to be a one shot. But I stupidly continued it lol.

Right now I completely forget where I was going with this fic. Plus my writing style has changed. I have to re-evaluate the fic and see where I want to take it to continue it for you guys (I mean it has been YEARS!). You guys are the only reason I am continuing it. I am eager to move on (not that I have ANY time to write). But since so many people follow this fic I really should pick back on it. Just know it may take A LONG time, but I eventually will. I wanted to rewrite it but I think it would just be wise to just continue it.

Just know that it might be different and in a different style. If some of you remember, I am a researcher and do you know how annoying it is to totally re-research everything? I kept no notes on this fic at all. I only remember a few things (like a few ideas of what guests will be in and out lol) but I forget what else I was going to do.

Anyway, shutting up now but I wanted to post a note here that eventually a chapter will be posted. It just will be a while. Thank you for following this fic. Any suggestions or ideas (no matter how random) I am open to. For this is for you guys. And those of you wondering, those friends in LA and else where that Faith _briefly _mentioned? Only 2 _SLIGHT_ mentions of crossover characters will come up. I think it's lame to do it so they are going to subtle and small. They will not take away from the story. But that's a quick treat for you guys. Got to feed you something ;)

And as a side note, it was all the reviews I got while out of practice (As well as the updates from _ful-of-faith _) that is making me want to continue. Sorry again for falling off the grid but there is still lasting hope for this fic yet ;)

(p.s. SOOO confused over the new posting ways of FF net now! Lol)

**QUICK GLIMPSE:**_ (eh, why not a short tease? You deserve it ;) )_

"_Fuck!" Faith exclaimed as she rolled herself, struggling to get up quickly. Various shouts could be heard coming from behind her._

_  
---_

"_Hey V."_

"_Faith. You don't call, you don't write, how are we supposed to have our late night love affairs if you're not around?" came an amused reply._

_  
---_

"_And Faith?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Don't be a stranger." Faith smiled at that, glad that the other girl couldn't see her. _

"_Yeah yeah. Later." She replied hanging up and walking back out of the stacks. She looked up and saw Buffy looking at her expectantly._

"_Who was that?"_

"_A friend." Faith replied making her way over to her and Giles. "I have an idea on how we can find more information on the Ascension but I'll have to wait to see if it's doable."_

_Giles nodded. "Very well. We are still at dead ends."_


End file.
